sorry i've been out of pocket lately (that's a southern thing- do they say that elsewhere in the country?). i went on a wee vacation and then have been really busy with a new project since i got back.
i do not mean to be neglectful. hopefully in my absence you all have been having some sex. about which, any questions are welcome. just post them in the comments.
things are starting to calm down a bit, so i will get back to regularly blogging.
next topic, birth control. stayed tuned. until then, ponder this: on average, you will change a newborn's diaper 3,000 times in their first year of life.
i'm just sayin'. that's a lot of poop. :)
Friday, October 22, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
He is the Cheese to My Macaroni.
"A loving doe, a graceful deer- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love."Proverbs 5:19 (NIV)
apparently, all i need to do is eat venison and keep my boobs captivating and we'll be good for life?
my husband and my 8th anniversary passed this last week. and it got me thinking about the evolution of our sexual relationship in our marriage. these might only be insights into our relationship (and, consequently, might totally gross out the people who know us personally), but i think there are some universal truths here, too.
let me just reassure any newly weds out there that, for us anyway, sex just gets better the longer we're married. we totally disagree with the stereotype that if you count the # of times you have sex in the first year, it will equal the number of times you have sex distributed over the entire rest of your marriage. (said more eloquently by roger sterling on "mad men"). we are a better couple now than when we first got married- we enjoy each other more, understand each other more. and since life has tossed us some things we've had to handle together, we've proven our worth to each other. so we're more open, more expressive, more honest and trusting with our sex than we've ever been before. and as far as frequency...people always ask nervously how often other married couples are 'doing it' to make sure they're normal...there is no "normal," but, our experience has been that sex begets more sex. if it's been a while and you have some sex, chances are good you remember how great it is and you have more. and then more. and then soon you're the envy of all your friends. (not that that is the goal. or that you should necessarily be sharing all the intimacies with your buddies, but you know...).
but sex hasn't always been easy. our first year of marriage was a real challenge. we seemed to be out of rhythm all the time. one of us would want it more often and feel rejected when the other denied it, and we seemed to go back and forth in both of those roles. we'd feel hurt and then try to regain some pride/control by playing mind games with the other one. it was not much fun. pretty miserable, actually. lots of feelings were hurt and it took a long time and many hours of painful and extremely raw, embarrassing conversations to work it all out.
and we've been pretty good since then, but occasionally we're still out of sync and it takes a while to get back into it. the great thing about having been together for over 13 yrs now (between dating and marriage) is that we have seen enough ups and downs in our relationship to know that the ups will come again and that the downs won't kill us.
i know a lot of people when facing the idea of getting married and having some sex with their spouse for the first time worry about this magical thing called "sexual chemistry." i'd say don't worry. it's all kind of ridiculous. you adore each other and love each other for your conversation, sense of humor, shared hobbies, interests, goals, and definitely experiences and memories. so naturally, you will also enjoy each others sexin'. but don't be surprised that it will take some work and discussion to determine what you both do/don't like and what your expectations are. and don't forget... you really like each other! so you very much want to please the other one- this is one of the greatest things about married sex. you have trust and openness and you'll have tons of time to practice to get it right!
so we've been making with the sex for a long time now and it's better all the time. part of why i find him so attractive is that i know his heart inside and out now and i know how devoted and loving he is to me. plus, he's totally hot. i still look at him across the room and think "that looks delicious. i want me some of that."
:)
apparently, all i need to do is eat venison and keep my boobs captivating and we'll be good for life?
my husband and my 8th anniversary passed this last week. and it got me thinking about the evolution of our sexual relationship in our marriage. these might only be insights into our relationship (and, consequently, might totally gross out the people who know us personally), but i think there are some universal truths here, too.
let me just reassure any newly weds out there that, for us anyway, sex just gets better the longer we're married. we totally disagree with the stereotype that if you count the # of times you have sex in the first year, it will equal the number of times you have sex distributed over the entire rest of your marriage. (said more eloquently by roger sterling on "mad men"). we are a better couple now than when we first got married- we enjoy each other more, understand each other more. and since life has tossed us some things we've had to handle together, we've proven our worth to each other. so we're more open, more expressive, more honest and trusting with our sex than we've ever been before. and as far as frequency...people always ask nervously how often other married couples are 'doing it' to make sure they're normal...there is no "normal," but, our experience has been that sex begets more sex. if it's been a while and you have some sex, chances are good you remember how great it is and you have more. and then more. and then soon you're the envy of all your friends. (not that that is the goal. or that you should necessarily be sharing all the intimacies with your buddies, but you know...).
but sex hasn't always been easy. our first year of marriage was a real challenge. we seemed to be out of rhythm all the time. one of us would want it more often and feel rejected when the other denied it, and we seemed to go back and forth in both of those roles. we'd feel hurt and then try to regain some pride/control by playing mind games with the other one. it was not much fun. pretty miserable, actually. lots of feelings were hurt and it took a long time and many hours of painful and extremely raw, embarrassing conversations to work it all out.
and we've been pretty good since then, but occasionally we're still out of sync and it takes a while to get back into it. the great thing about having been together for over 13 yrs now (between dating and marriage) is that we have seen enough ups and downs in our relationship to know that the ups will come again and that the downs won't kill us.
i know a lot of people when facing the idea of getting married and having some sex with their spouse for the first time worry about this magical thing called "sexual chemistry." i'd say don't worry. it's all kind of ridiculous. you adore each other and love each other for your conversation, sense of humor, shared hobbies, interests, goals, and definitely experiences and memories. so naturally, you will also enjoy each others sexin'. but don't be surprised that it will take some work and discussion to determine what you both do/don't like and what your expectations are. and don't forget... you really like each other! so you very much want to please the other one- this is one of the greatest things about married sex. you have trust and openness and you'll have tons of time to practice to get it right!
so we've been making with the sex for a long time now and it's better all the time. part of why i find him so attractive is that i know his heart inside and out now and i know how devoted and loving he is to me. plus, he's totally hot. i still look at him across the room and think "that looks delicious. i want me some of that."
:)
Friday, October 1, 2010
Sex is the Glue on the Popsicle Stick Craft of Marriage
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." genesis 2:24
how do you "become one flesh?" well, i can think of a way that makes you joined like puzzle pieces. sex is the closest thing that two people can do to share one body. i am thinking that the verse means more than just sex, of course. like most of the dirty parts of the bible, there are other/deeper meanings also. your intention is to share more than just your body, but also your entire self.
for a close, stable, complete and ideal marriage, you are part of each other in every way. you share in everything. your spouse is so many things to you. he/she is someone with whom you share your sex, but also your house, your bills, your worries, your triumphs, your embarrassments, your plans, your disappointments, and your health and sickness. and so your spouse is your best friend, your confidant, your counselor, your cohabitator, your partner and your lover.
you are an extension of each other. i think of my husband like a third arm on me. but like a totally useful and interesting (and hairy) arm that talks. :)
a lot has been said about how much of the individual can be retained when you're creating a unit of two people (i remember during our wedding prep, there was much debate over whether to snuff out our individual candles when we lit the unity candle or to let them keep burning). and each couple will have to figure out their own level of independence/co dependence in the relationship. and there is some learning curve in figuring that out. "do i have to call her if i'm going to go out to drinks after work or can i just go?" "does he really care if i make plans with friends to see that movie, or do i have to wait to go with him?" etc, etc. be respectful of each other and talk it out. and try not to worry that other people think you're somehow too involved with your spouse (whipped?) but also attempt to not neglect all your other relationships with friends and family, work, etc to spend time with your spouse. there should be a balance.
and in my opinion, there's no reason to lose your identity/your self in marriage, you are really just enhancing yourself. you will accomplish things you never thought you could because you have the strength of your marriage. when things are running smoothly, each person in the marriage will make the marriage better and the marriage itself will make each person better.
and sex really is the glue that keeps you bonded so tightly to each other. you will have friends and family members that can act in some of the other roles i named above. but your spouse should be the one who most knows you, most understands and experiences you. and the only one who knows you through the intimacy of sex. no one can ever get that close because you have fused together in a way that leaves permanent evidence of each of you on the other one.
and that is powerful. something my husband and i have found is that, like food and sleep, once you're having sex, it becomes kind of a basic need. and if we are not having it frequently enough to satisfy, we get crabby, like when we're hungry or tired. so sex can also be a solution. it can completely alter my mood and opinion of the world. and we also find that when we are in sync with each other because we have been sexin' regularly and feel close and connected, we don't fight as much. little things that might cause an argument just kind of get brushed by because we're feeling enamored with each other. and it's great. not that sex solves everything. it really doesn't. relationships that are built around sex and nothing more tend to crumble.
clearly, ability to have great conversation, shared interests and faith, humor and life goals are the foundation.
but sex is the glue.
how do you "become one flesh?" well, i can think of a way that makes you joined like puzzle pieces. sex is the closest thing that two people can do to share one body. i am thinking that the verse means more than just sex, of course. like most of the dirty parts of the bible, there are other/deeper meanings also. your intention is to share more than just your body, but also your entire self.
for a close, stable, complete and ideal marriage, you are part of each other in every way. you share in everything. your spouse is so many things to you. he/she is someone with whom you share your sex, but also your house, your bills, your worries, your triumphs, your embarrassments, your plans, your disappointments, and your health and sickness. and so your spouse is your best friend, your confidant, your counselor, your cohabitator, your partner and your lover.
you are an extension of each other. i think of my husband like a third arm on me. but like a totally useful and interesting (and hairy) arm that talks. :)
a lot has been said about how much of the individual can be retained when you're creating a unit of two people (i remember during our wedding prep, there was much debate over whether to snuff out our individual candles when we lit the unity candle or to let them keep burning). and each couple will have to figure out their own level of independence/co dependence in the relationship. and there is some learning curve in figuring that out. "do i have to call her if i'm going to go out to drinks after work or can i just go?" "does he really care if i make plans with friends to see that movie, or do i have to wait to go with him?" etc, etc. be respectful of each other and talk it out. and try not to worry that other people think you're somehow too involved with your spouse (whipped?) but also attempt to not neglect all your other relationships with friends and family, work, etc to spend time with your spouse. there should be a balance.
and in my opinion, there's no reason to lose your identity/your self in marriage, you are really just enhancing yourself. you will accomplish things you never thought you could because you have the strength of your marriage. when things are running smoothly, each person in the marriage will make the marriage better and the marriage itself will make each person better.
and sex really is the glue that keeps you bonded so tightly to each other. you will have friends and family members that can act in some of the other roles i named above. but your spouse should be the one who most knows you, most understands and experiences you. and the only one who knows you through the intimacy of sex. no one can ever get that close because you have fused together in a way that leaves permanent evidence of each of you on the other one.
and that is powerful. something my husband and i have found is that, like food and sleep, once you're having sex, it becomes kind of a basic need. and if we are not having it frequently enough to satisfy, we get crabby, like when we're hungry or tired. so sex can also be a solution. it can completely alter my mood and opinion of the world. and we also find that when we are in sync with each other because we have been sexin' regularly and feel close and connected, we don't fight as much. little things that might cause an argument just kind of get brushed by because we're feeling enamored with each other. and it's great. not that sex solves everything. it really doesn't. relationships that are built around sex and nothing more tend to crumble.
clearly, ability to have great conversation, shared interests and faith, humor and life goals are the foundation.
but sex is the glue.
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