Ladies, Have I Got a Treat for You

jimmy hoffa's body, the jfk assassination, bigfoot, the loch ness monster, the abominable snowman, satisfying diet drinks....there is no phenomenon more elusive and mysterious than the female orgasm.

i'm sorry it's been a while since i've blogged, but a comment from a certain "Married, AND Satisfied for Thirteen Years" reader has me back on track. and congrats! she says that married sex is better and more frequent now after 13 yrs than it was in the first couple years of marriage. well done! bravo!

and thank you for reading/commenting. it really does help if folks propose questions or comments to discuss, so keep 'em coming, everyone.

so, here we go. the question this reader hears often from young married women is: "what do you do if you have never had an orgasm?"

well, the first thing you can do is get super excited because let me tell you that once you've figured this little gizmo out, you are in for a world of wonder. you may never leave your house again. :) but don't be discouraged or feel left behind or weird or anything if you haven't had one. this is WAY more common than you think. (oh, and PS- if you're 'not sure' if you've ever had one, you probably haven't. it's sort of like a whole body earthquake and feels very distinct from the other pleasurable sensations leading up to it. also, there will be a little lull afterwards wherein you will not want stimulation).

the typical female orgasm is a bit trickier to achieve than the typical male orgasm. plus, young women are not encouraged like young men are to masturbate, so many of us don't know what pushes our buttons when we get married, and consequently, can't direct our loving husbands to do it. also, and i hate this and am working to change it, i think there's still an unspoken expectation that women be coy/demure or something and not randy/horny. this is crazy talk. women want/need/love sex as much as men and orgasms are every bit (more?) as mind blowing to them as they are to the dudes. but still, men more often seem comfortable allowing the sex focus to be on them (accepting oral stimulation, manual stimulation, etc) while many women i know are more at ease giving than getting. and while a male orgasm is the expected outcome of a sexin' event, a female orgasm is not for a lot of couples.

this might be because it does take longer and requires more finesse. both parties can get frustrated in the quest for her holy grail(gasm) and, of course, being frustrated is contrary to being relaxed and comfortable enough to have an orgasm, so you're caught in a vicious cycle. the best thing i can tell you is that you have to be patient.

women- allow yourselves and your spouse to explore your clitoris, labia, and vagina to see where/what feels good. attempt different pressures and speeds of stimulation. and don't give up on yourself or be impatient. i have always considered myself a sexual person and yet it took me a long time to be able to orgasm on my own and an even longer time with help from my #1 lover man husband.

men- again, don't get frustrated or give up. your perseverance will pay off when you are able to ultimately give her this amazing gift. better than flowers or chocolates or even a chateau in Paris, if you can figure out how to effectively and reliably bring her to orgasm, you'll both be way more satisfied than you can imagine. there's something about a woman in the throws of ecstasy that drives a man wild. so, if you need more than just your wife's frenzied happiness as incentive, consider your own. :)

so, tricks to make it happen. relaxation is key. i think a lot of women are self-conscious of how they appear 'down there.' she may be more comfortable working on this little puzzle immediately after a shower and shave or with the lights off or whatever, and that's fine. i would say give yourselves plenty of time and ease into it by kissing, fondling, etc. attempt not to be so task-oriented that it feels like a chore. that will get old.

and don't be afraid to speak up! words like "slower, softer, stay there a second, let's change sides/positions, faster, good, let's stop to make a sandwich real quick, etc" are all good dialogue. and partners- be asking for guidance and constantly reassuring her of how beautiful and sexy all parts of her are.

oral sex is a wonderful way to achieve orgasm for both sexes. again, focusing mostly on the clitoris with the tongue, start by trying even, smooth circles or up and down motions. occasionally take a break and kiss/lick the labia. also, using a few fingers in the vaginal opening can add to the pleasure. talk about all of this as you do it. if oral sex is a bit scary for her at first, start with manual stimulation. using fingers. use some lube (or spit- provided no one ate spicy peppers that night- burns! ouch!) again, use repetitive motions over the clitoris changing pressures and speeds to find the right combination. and occasionally explore other parts of that region with her guidance.

for most women i know, once you as a couple have unlocked the key to orgasm, it's a lot easier to repeat it in the future. but there will be times that it just doesn't happen. as long as you communicate about that and you're both on board and not feeling neglected/rejected or anything, you're good. if, for example, you only have 6 minutes before you have to leave for the in-laws' Thanksgiving dinner and you're trying to sneak in a quickie, you might have more luck just having some quick intercourse with the man orgasming and coming back later to work on the lady. (after you've digested your turkey, of course).

so, start with all that. see how it goes. there is also this magical mystical thing called the "multiple orgasm" that you may strive for in the future.

an orgasm is an arc. it builds, blows, and then recedes. like doing the wave at a football game. you can feel it building for a while as it comes around the corner of the stadium and you put down your hot chocolate and prepare to stand, then you STAND UP AND THROW YOUR ARMS IN THE AIR AND HOLLER, and then you gather your coat around you and sit back down and can feel it moving on past you around to the visitors' side.

this is true for men and women. now, for most men, once they've orgasmed and receded, their recovery (preparation for another orgasm) takes a long time. maybe hours. for many women, recovery goes a lot faster and they rebound fairly quickly, making them able to orgasm again perhaps in the next few minutes.

but this is more advanced stuff. let's start with the basics. go slow, talk to each other, and keep on trying. it is absolutely worth it. seriously. no, for real. :)

until next time, happy sexin', everybody!

Here's How to Make with the Love without Making with the Babies

birth control pills- used by the female, these hormones (usually estrogen +progesterone) that the female takes AT THE SAME TIME EACH DAY. these hormones interfere with ovulation. they will give you a 28 day cycle (with 21 days active hormones, 7 days of placebo to allow for monthly bleeding). pros- highly effective (98%), nothing has to be applied or inserted before sex, protects against certain cancers such as uterine and ovarian, controls your cycle and suppresses symptoms of things like endometriosis/PCOS, may decrease acne and allow for lighter periods, there are now options that only require you have a period every 3 months, if you prefer that. cons- risk of blood clots (especially if over 35 y/o and smoker), breast CA risk increases with hormones, must be used daily at the same time and cannot forget a dose or efficacy goes down, certain meds interact w/ the pill and you lose efficacy, it's a real drug that requires a prescription and some people have unpleasant side effects like weight gain, mood changes, lowered libido, etc (there are a variety of pills on the market- can be adjusted to avoid these side effects), some people have spotting (usually goes away after the first few cycles).


condoms- used by the male, these are latex/plastic sheaths that roll down over the penis (not the testicles). they need to fit snugly so that they will not come off during intercourse, but not so tightly that they hurt or make it difficult for the male to feel sensation. might need to experiment with sizes. most condoms have some spermicide (sperm killing jelly) already in them, but some spermicidal lubricant used on the inside and outside also helps in making them more effective. CONDOMS MUST BE WORN THE ENTIRE TIME OF INTERCOURSE not just slipped on before the male thinks he's ready to come (there is a pre-ejaculate with sperm in it that you might not even notice, but it might be carrying your future progeny in it). pros- cheap, also act as barrier to sexually transmitted diseases, if that is a concern, available without a prescription. a good backup plan in case your other BC method is questioned for some reason, does not require prior planning/daily use (like the pill), cons- only 75% effective (if used completely properly, will prevent 3/4 pregnancies), they do expire and need to be replaced over time, men complain about decreased sensation with even ones that fit properly, smell unpleasant, some people have local skin reactions to latex.

birth control patch (Ortho Evra)- used by the female, beige, plastic patch that sticks to the skin of your abdoment/back/arm and releases estrogen/progesterone. patch is changed once a week x 3 weeks and then left off for the week of menses each month. pros- nothing to take daily, nothing to apply before sex, same advantages and effectiveness as the pill, cons- possible (unlikely) skin irritation or difficulty keeping the patch stuck on skin, also all cons same as the hormone birth control pill, requires prescription

vaginal ring (Nuvaring)- used by the female, this is a ring inserted into the back of the vagina and left in for 3 wks, taken out for 1 wk of menses each month. it releases the same hormones as the pill or patch (to stop ovulation). pros- only need to deal with it a few times a month to insert/remove, nothing to apply before sex, same perks and effectiveness as other hormone applications like the pill, easy to use and most women report not even noticing it when it's in, but easy to remove when it's time to take out, cons- all the same as other hormone BC's, also, MUST REMEMBER TO CHANGE IT ON THE CORRECT DAY OF YOUR CYCLE, if it does slip out, must be cleaned and replaced within 3 hrs. requires prescription.

hormone shot (Depo Provera)- used by the female, it's a shot in the arm that releases progesterone into the system and prevents ovulation for 3 months at a time. pros- no daily pill or need to apply anything before sex, in fact you only have to deal with it every 3 months, does not contain estrogen so better for people who cannot take estrogen or are breastfeeding, otherwise, same pros as other hormone BC's. cons- a lot of people complain of spotting while on it (may improve over time) and abnormal periods once they've discontinued using it, otherwise, same cons as other hormonal BC's. requires prescription.

IUD (intrauterine device)- this is a T-shaped device inserted into the uterus by your ob/gyn with a string that hangs slightly into the vagina for easy removal when the time comes. they effect the lining of the uterus and the mobility of sperm. one type also prevents ovulation. it is long lasting, meant to stay in for years, so you must be determined not to attempt to have children for several years, or it may not be worth the cost. it is made of either copper (ParaGard- can stay in for 12 yrs) or flexible, medical grade plastic and releases progesterone (Mirena- can stay in for 5 yrs). pros- extremely low maintenance. very effective- 99%. long lasting. the ParaGard does not contain hormones at all. ok to use while breast feeding. once removed, ability to get pregnant quickly resumes. cons- very expensive, so have to make sure you are not planning to remove it to attempt to have children for many years. potential discomfort when inserted, possible spotting/abnormal periods for a few months afterward, rarely they do fall out, in which case they are not protecting against pregnancy, can also increase chance of infection (risk of pelvic inflammatory disease less than it was when originally came out, but not recommended for people with hx PID, clamidia, gonorrhea), rarely they can erode through the uterine lining, which can cause major problems and potentially require surgery.

Implant (Implanon)- used on female, thin (matchstick size) rod place under the skin on the arm by your ob/gyn in the office. can stay there for 3 yrs. releases progesterone, so prevents ovulation. pros- extremely effective- 99%. long lasting. no estrogen. easy to be fertile again once removed. can use while breast feeding. low maintenance. other pros as with other hormonal BC's. cons- the same as other hormonal BC's, minor procedure to have it inserted/removed.

other options, less effective/common- the following are all hormone-free ways to prevent pregnancy. "natural family planning/fertility awareness methods" used by the female, is a neat way to follow your ovulation cycle to know when it is 'safe' to have sex and when you are likely to get pregnant- requires daily temperature checks and cervical mucous checks, and possibly ovulation predictor kits. work intensive and YOU HAVE TO BE REALLY DILIGENT with it, but 75-85% effective if you do it all correctly. similar efficacy for also the "diaphragm," the "female condom," "the cervical cap" and the "sponge"- these are barrier devices inserted into the vagina before sex and removed afterward, used in conjunction with spermicide. the female condom also protects against STD's. obviously, all of these are only 75-85% effective when used completely correctly, and there is little room for error. they also must be applied before sex, which might mess up your mojo. and can be messy afterward. but the advantage is you are adding no hormones/chemicals to your body. another natural pregnancy prevention is breast feeding. clearly, this would be after you have a child and it can be over 90% effective if you are regularly breast feeding. i have known several people who got pregnant while still nursing their infants, so do some research before you attempt to use this form alone. using the "pull out method" (where the male removes his penis before ejaculating) or just spermicides by themselves is just dumb. it's not enough and there's only a 70% effectiveness on those. don't be dumb.

extreme options that i would only recommend if you are 100000% certain you don't want kids- Vasectomy (male surgical sterilization) or Tubal ligation/hysterectomy (female surgical sterilization). less than 1% failure rate for these, but again, they are pretty much permanent and (usually) there's no going back.

Who Brought the Rubber?

the time to discuss birth control is months before you get married. this gives you time to go see your MD and get prescribed the proper form of BC for you and gets your body time to adjust to it and make sure it's most effectively working and that you understand how to take/apply it before the big launch on your wedding day.

unless you think you might be ready for kids (and you want to be REALLY sure about this- more on this subject later), do not do what a couple we know did...after they got married they went happily on their honeymoon without a care in the world. when they returned, they cornered a married couple in the church to discuss what they should be using for birth control. well, needless to say, their first child was born 9 months later. d'oh! if you want to have a leetle bit more control than that, see to this before you start making with the sex.

who's in charge of your birth control? the fella? the lady? the best way is to have both of you involved in it. even if he's the one using condoms, or she's the one taking the pill. both of you should be involved and confirming that it's being done ALWAYS. the thing about birth control is that most of the methods are extremely effective (numbers to follow) but ONLY IF ALWAYS USED CORRECTLY. it just takes one little slip up and wham bam you're up all night and exhausted the next day, not because of some awesome sexin', oh no, but because you were being puked on by your fussy baby. am i right? i am.