Hashtag Love Married Sex

true intimacy is discussing butt zits during foreplay, having great sex, and then lying there in your sex juices while you talk about your financial future.

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In the Defense of Sex in the Church

i wrote this essay a while back in response to another church sermon denouncing the, apparently common, addiction to porn in the congregation. 

it's a valuable conversation, since the porn industry is a sad, desolate place where children and vulnerable adults get exploited and abused. and spending all your energies/time masturbating to porn can leave you a sad, lonely person and completely ruin your relationships. 

i don't discount all that. but....this is the only thing we seem to hear about sex at all in the church. 

please read what i wrote below and disagree/agree, reflect with me. AND HELP ME FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX IT! 

In the Defense of Sex in the Church

(Well, not in the church, mind you. That sounds unsanitary and unwise, and like the Netflix show, 'Orange is the New Black,' where the carpet in the chapel gets more play than the organ...)

As a Christian who thinks sex is an amazing gift from God, and not a test He's giving that we're bound to fail, I am sick of people of the church constantly vilifying it. Every time I hear a sermon about the “evil sins of the flesh,” I want to stand on my pew and shout, “leave sex alone! It's not its fault we're mucking it all up! Sex is marvelous!”

Pornography, homosexuality, adultery, sexual temptation- these are all favorite topics in sermons and lectures from Christian to Christian. And it's not that they're not valuable topics worth discussing, I just find it offensive how MUCH we seem to discuss them. Why does 'addiction to pornography' get so much more press than, say, addiction to food or shopping or reading celebrity gossip? Does how we approach sex weigh that much more heavily on the condition of our soul than how we treat our bodies or budgets or time?

My theory is that we focus so much on 'the sins of the flesh' because it's much more titillating than the others. It's exciting and naughty to speculate what our neighbor is up to sexually or what he's fantasizing about/wishing he were up to. Certainly more than whether or not he cares about the homeless or has bought a car he can't afford, or, most importantly, how well he knows and loves God.

I don't mean to underemphasize the importance of sex. I think, subconsciously, we recognize how big and important and, sometimes, confusing, our own sexuality feels to us, and so we attempt to contain and condemn the sexuality of everyone in the church. These sermons take an almost gleeful reproachful approach that just confounds me. And I think taking this tone on sexuality is bad for our marriages, bad for our children, and also, gives a misconception of what God wants from us.

First of all, being so prudish and condemning toward sex is bad for marriage. I've known many young Christian couples who were raised in the church to believe that sex was sinful and something to be avoided...always with the caveat murmured at the end, 'until your'e married.' Many of them were even conditioned to be anti-masturbation and were never taught anything about their bodies. Do you know how many women go into marriage never having had an orgasm? Maybe not even knowing enough about their anatomy to know how many holes go below or what they're for? Then when they come of marrying age and find a mate, they are expected to detach those negative perceptions of sex and have a fulfilling sexual relationship with their spouse? Not easy to do.

It starts with how we present sex to the youth in the church community. It seems that because we're so afraid that they're going to over-indulge in sex with themselves or others, we try to prevent them from being at all sexual. This doesn't work. We're, naturally, very sexual, contact-driven beings. I think it's one of God's greatest blessings, that we can share our feelings for each other in such a personal and all-encompassing way.

This is why we should be emphasizing to our young folks that knowing, understanding, and owning their sexuality is important because it shows respect for themselves, maturity, and honors God. And we can preach that monogamy is a great idea, not because they're trying to avoid condemnation, but because they will find such a greater satisfaction in sex with someone with whom they share a deep love and respect and are totally comfortable being themselves. The take-away message to our kids should be, “Sex is great! Just do it right.”

I resent how sex is presented in the church, because I think it misrepresents how to achieve a greater relationship with God. It's an action-based, rule-following/breaking perspective that is missing the boat on how to be a good God-follower. My understanding is that you don't follow the rules and SO become a good believer. You believe, and so then want to act in ways that are pleasing to God. In other words, you can't out-purify your way to heaven. And I'm not a doctor or anything, but I'm pretty sure a chastity belt isn't going to make you love Jesus anymore. If anything, you'll resent Him for the chafing.

Sex is pervasive in who we are and in everything we come in contact with in the world. Our sexuality is a very powerful and vulnerable part of who we are. We can use it to strengthen important relationships or we can abuse it to hurt others and ourselves. It should be given attention and respect so that we learn how to use it properly. It cannot be shelved 'until marriage,' as our sexual selves start developing much younger in life. It should be embraced and positive sex should be encouraged within the church instead of making it always a taboo and naughty subject.

One of my missions as a Christian is to help other people meet and, hopefully get to like, Christ. I want to share how intensely loving and comforting and wholly welcoming He is. He is forgiving and meets us where we are, whether we're broken or whole or anywhere in between.

That's not the message I received at my university by the Christian waving the banner condemning us college students for masturbating and fornicating. I'm told this propaganda is common on campuses nationwide. It might not end in God's favor if the loudest message a lot of people hear about Jesus is that 'He will totally love you...IF you can 'keep it in your pants.' There are no such conditions on Jesus' love. It's just not what He taught and is, frankly, terrible PR. People like sex and know how important it is. If that's the first message they hear from Christians, that might just turn them off from God.

God created us as sexual beings and He doesn't make mistakes. He gave us this gift, which, like most of our gifts (our bodies, our money, our time), can be a challenge to always use righteously. However, if the church can represent sex as a gift that we need to nourish and utilize properly, instead of a burden we all have to endure to be pure, we might be better off. It could improve our marriages, our youth might be more in control of their sexuality, and we might better represent God to the world.

Does God Really Hate 'Fags?'

"fag" is a derogatory word and shouldn't be used. i'm sure y'all know that, i'm just making sure no one misses that i'm using this hateful term in reference to the westboro baptist church, led by fred phelps.

phelps and his church are famous for publicly crying that "God hates fags." and then doing horrible, and contrived things to gain notoriety- like picketing soldiers' funerals when the US passes laws protecting LGBT citizens or the military makes moves toward making their gay soldiers comfortable and safe serving in the forces.

so, apparently fred phelps is dying. and this is one gay Christian blogger's approach to how he'd like to 'go after' him- as Jesus would, with profound love and forgiveness.

another interesting news item making the rounds right now (assessment of a set of statistics) popped into my awareness this morning. and that is this:

so, the conclusion is that people are leaving the church (or more worrisome than that- leaving God?) because of how they see the church treat lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people. 

let's take a second to realize the first terrible crime the church is committing here. maybe now membership is being affected as ALL young people are being driven away from attending church because of the church's known issues with LGBT folks. long long ago, the church should have realized that LGBT folks were being driven away from the church because they felt  condemned and unloved by the church. that should never have been acceptable. how many people has it hurt?

our mission as Christians is to introduce people to Christ. to give His love and acceptance, and welcome into His community. to everyone. always. remembering that Jesus showed us how to treat each other by His example- loving, serving, generously showing grace and acceptance to the people most condemned by society. if we're aiming to love how Jesus loved, we have to show grace and compassion, inclusion and fairness. 

and when i say "the church," i'm not really talking about the psychos at westboro baptist. it's a small church and is clearly extremist and trying to be sensational....i'm talking about the average Christian church body and how they (we) treat LGBT folks.

i think it's true that a lot of mainstream Christians believe that the bible does encourage us to condemn homosexuals. or, if they're being REALLY generous, condemn the acts of homosexuality- 'hate the sin, love the sinner.' there is certainly A LOT of energy spent on the subject in the church community. the verses that discuss male-male sexual interactions in the bible are dissected and spewed out, often as weapons. usually without context. 

(incidentally- doesn't it seem like homosexuality is given a disproportionate amount of air time in the Christian community? like somehow it's the 'super mega bonus sin' that trumps all the other ones? it's weird. i think it's because it's about sex. and that's titillating and confusing to people, scary, and personal). 

the authority i turn to on the subject of what the bible says about homosexuality is justin lee and the gay christian network. they've done a lot of research and reflection trying to figure out what the bible actually says/how we should live by that. i strongly encourage you to go to the website and read the Q/A section on how God and gay can jive. and also, read justin's blog for the practical realities of living life as a gay Christian in a church that is still not all that accepting. 

but the message is hopeful for change. and hopeful that through God's love and changing the hearts (and voices. and signs.) of Christians who have previously been dismissive or abusive toward their LGBT friends and family, we can save lives. 

give people God. get the obstacles of hate and judgement out of the way. and give people acceptance. gay teenagers are still killing themselves because they think who they are is bad and wrong. and they are led to believe that even the most "loving" and "safe" places, like church communities and families, cannot love them and their actions. this just has to be breaking God's heart. especially as the hate is committed in His name. 

so, again, i really encourage you to read/watch the videos from the compelling justin lee at the gay Christian network. and spread the word. and re-read the Word. 

and if we do that, instead of doing what we're doing now, maybe we'll stop making God look bad and stop making the church the last place a lot of people would ever want to go. 

It's Starting to Make Me Feel Like a Pervert That I'm the Only One Who Ever Wants to Talk About Sexin'

so. we just went to this church marriage conference- my hubby posted his criticisms and concerns about the message that was given in the last post. and i agree with pretty much all of that.

the thing that i found most constructive, but also most frustrating, was their take on communication between the sexes. (because, in case you haven't read much of this blog yet, everything i ever say comes back to AND THEN TALK TO EACH OTHER.)

it wasn't all bad. in fact, there were parts of it that were pretty good. very practical reminders about the mars/venus communication stuff. men speak in 'respect' terms and feel impugned when dismissed or not recognized. women speak in 'love' terms and feel unloved if not shown affection and admiration. sometimes marriage gets boring. sometimes it feels like you're doing all the work for both of you. no problems are fixed in a day, etc, etc. this is all very user-friendly advice.

but they also presented a pretty stereotypical picture of the sexes in how they communicate. men don't listen. women nag. men are all ego, women are all 'tell me i'm pretty.' women just can't shut up and men are loath to listen to more than 3 words strung together at a time. men only want sex. women never want sex.

i hate to think we're all neanderthals and bitch-nags, but what do i know? maybe there's a bit of that in almost all male-female relationships? (i sat there thinking- what about in female-female relationships and male-male relationships? i wonder if it's easier/harder/just different that both partners allegedly communicate in a more similar fashion? anyone have thoughts on that?)

so i'm trying to analyze the relationships i know that work really well. how do they talk to each other? what makes someone stay together forever and ever and not kill each other and bury the body in the backyard in that shaded spot under the big oak tree just this side of our fence?

....

my grandparents just celebrated their 67th wedding anniversary. my grandpa, age 90, said this about it on facebook, "After 67 years, she will still kiss me. A pretty good marriage."

it's so incredibly darling and inspiring. and also fanTASTIC that, after nearly 7 decades of being married, and almost a century of living, he's still worried about getting some. :)

i love them. they're one of my models for marriage. their banter between them is so sensational- they're best friends and tease each other for hobby. he adores her and does all kinds of ridiculous things to show her. and she lets him. they really admire and give each other a lot of respect. they speak well of each other and talk to each other about everything, all the time.

so i think that's the answer to the riddle- they communicate well with each other. but, also...sex. 

and that's all i'm going to say about my grandparents and sex. ever again. 

but you KNOW it's not all i'm going to say about sex in general. because i'm the crazy Christian lady who thinks we should be talking about sex A LOT in the church. especially at marriage conferences! 

and i was so relieved when we got there and found that there was a whole lecture dedicated to the topic! albeit, the boys and girls were going to be split off to opposite sides of the middle school gym for their lectures- but STILL it was going to be addressed!

but instead they talked about spiritual warfare and how heterosexual marriages are our best defense against it.

i'll be honest, i face-palmed in my head. sex is SO important to a happy, functioning marriage. and they skipped talking about it all together! i kind of think many participants at the marriage conference were there to really get some practical pointers on how to improve things. and about how to be more Godly within their marriage. i know we were. and you can't talk about marriage and love without talking about good, good lovin'!

and let me admit that i don't give a lot of thought about the devil (i know, that's his sneaky plan, i got it). and i'm sure there could be days spent in lecture on that topic alone. but in a marriage conference that spans only about 8 hours of lecture time, i think talking about happily married sex would have gained a lot more traction with the participants.

so i find myself again frustrated. if our church, a cool church, liberated from traditional churchy churchness- church, can't even talk about marital sex at a conference dedicated to talking about marriage- where does sex exist in the church??

only in admonitions about porn or abstinence? shoot. i just feel like we're failing.

where do we go from here?

marriage: because men.

once again, i've been terribly negligent in keeping up with this blog. if anyone was reading it and enjoying it and has missed it, my deepest apologies. i'm going to try to give it another active, regular go. much conversation about marriage and gender roles and sex between spouses was stirred by a marriage conference my spouse and i attended this weekend.

below is my husband's reaction. mine will come next in a second post. please PLEASE share your thoughts with us on these interesting topics. let's get some community conversation going!

**guest blogger**

we went to a marriage conference at church this past weekend. bad pun alert: it was called rock your marriage, because you're both amplifying and succeeding at it, as well as founding it on jesus (the rock). we have been talking about the conference since it ended saturday afternoon. and that's good, in a sense, because my marriage is my most important relationship. the attention we give to it is not wasted energy. we have taken the opportunity to reflect again on what is most important to us in our marriage, and on what works and what doesn't work in our relationship. and it has been gainful. unfortunately, however, we were mostly disappointed by the program, which is why we have been talking about it so much. the positive reflection has been mostly in contrast to the program, for i will offer three major critiques.

the biggest issue i had with the program was how male-centric it was. it's definitely understandable, given that the presenting couple was a pastor and former football player and his former athlete wife, who had three boys. the husband did almost all of the talking. he addressed men's issues first. he also did most of the talking on women's issues. the most significant talking that the wife did was about how women can henpeck their men into pale versions of the glorious men of God they could be. this does not model my marriage (even as i acknowledge that sarah and i are more ambitious in our marriage than most people we know). there is no scriptural justification to structure a marriage in this male-centered way. yes, men are called to be the head of the family in ephesians 5:23, but men are also called in ephesians 5:28 to love their wives as they love themselves, making men and women necessarily equal in a marriage. (this is not to mention the language in genesis 2:24 and ephesians 5:31 where two become one.)

i was also disappointed in the heavy focus given to the narrative theme that marriage is the cornerstone of spiritual warfare, specifically that marriage between a man and a woman is God's primary weapon in the war for our souls, and that its most powerful effect is the legacy of procreation. i understand why someone believes that. it's a fairly intuitive story. i don't disagree on the power of marriage, but my narrative is entirely different. i think the lesson of adam and eve is that we cannot reach our most godly potential without trust and fidelity to God and to each other within a marriage. incidentally this is a much more inclusive vision of marriage that doesn't reflexively exclude gay couples. i also can't ignore both that my own membership in god's family is at its core adoptive, and that the bible devotes enough words to infertility and sterility that i think procreation isn't as central to marriage as it was portrayed. it was also personally frustrating knowing how many people in my life have struggled with infertility and sterility. some of them were in the audience. i do not believe their marriage deviates from its godly purpose as would be it necessarily would if procreation is so central to the identity of marriage.

thirdly, and almost predictably, they changed course from the schedule to talk about spiritual warfare and porn instead of sex. why abandon sex for these tepid and overworked themes? why talk about what takes away from sex without first discussing what it means to a marriage and why it's SO FUCKING AMAZING? we spend so much time talking about the perversions that are not a part of god's intentions for sex, but we never talk about what god's intentions for sex are. we need to know! my experience in the church, especially among people raised in the church, informs the idea that we need to talk about actual sex, how it works, what it means and can mean, frankly, directly, and honestly.

bonus critique: i liked the discussion on the difference in how men and women communicate and receive value, that women seek affection and men seek respect. this is not new to us, but it is a very useful tool for analyzing a marriage relationship as well as for self-reflection. disappointingly the discussion tacked toward how men can use affection to manipulate their wives into have more sex with them while women can show respect to manipulate their husbands into doing more stuff around the house and with the children. the idea that in marriage we revel in each other and genuinely desire to delight our spouse as an end rather than a means was quite a bit more muted.

where sarah and i struggle with this is in its meaning for biblical marriage with respect to gender. we work hard to make our marriage exceptionally democratic. it is far more important for us to work together than to cleave to traditional gender roles. we both have professional careers, and we both cook, do dishes and laundry, and take care of the kids. sometimes we gravitate towards traditional gender roles, but i'd like to believe it's more about who we are than that we're defaulting to normative behavior. as much as ephesians 5:22 intuitively supports patriarchy, i think the context of 5:22-33 is much more nuanced and supportive of our democratic vision for marriage. when i think of the leadership of jesus i think of john 13:3-8, where jesus washed the feet of his disciples. when they protested he explained that if he doesn't wash their feet they have no share with him. the story continues in 13:16-17 where jesus further explains that a servant is not greater than his master, and that YOU ARE BLESSED IF YOU BECOME THE SERVANT. if i am the head of my family like jesus is the head of the church then equality is a bare minimum. i need to become the servant, and the kind of submission i expect from sarah is not to my authority, but to the commitment we made to each other and to God, just as i expect of myself.

i would have loved it if someone had sat on the stage and said that.