i wrote this essay a while back in response to another church sermon denouncing the, apparently common, addiction to porn in the congregation.
it's a valuable conversation, since the porn industry is a sad, desolate place where children and vulnerable adults get exploited and abused. and spending all your energies/time masturbating to porn can leave you a sad, lonely person and completely ruin your relationships.
i don't discount all that. but....this is the only thing we seem to hear about sex at all in the church.
please read what i wrote below and disagree/agree, reflect with me. AND HELP ME FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX IT!
In the Defense of Sex in the Church
(Well, not in the church, mind
you. That sounds unsanitary and unwise, and like the Netflix show,
'Orange is the New Black,' where the carpet in the chapel gets more
play than the organ...)
As a Christian who thinks sex is an
amazing gift from God, and not a test He's giving that we're bound to
fail, I am sick of people of the church constantly vilifying it.
Every time I hear a sermon about the “evil sins of the flesh,” I
want to stand on my pew and shout, “leave sex alone! It's not its
fault we're mucking it all up! Sex is marvelous!”
Pornography, homosexuality, adultery,
sexual temptation- these are all favorite topics in sermons and
lectures from Christian to Christian. And it's not that they're not
valuable topics worth discussing, I just find it offensive how MUCH
we seem to discuss them. Why does 'addiction to pornography' get so
much more press than, say, addiction to food or shopping or reading
celebrity gossip? Does how we approach sex weigh that much more
heavily on the condition of our soul than how we treat our bodies or
budgets or time?
My theory is that we focus so much on
'the sins of the flesh' because it's much more titillating than the
others. It's exciting and naughty to speculate what our neighbor is
up to sexually or what he's fantasizing about/wishing he were up to.
Certainly more than whether or not he cares about the homeless or has
bought a car he can't afford, or, most importantly, how well he knows
and loves God.
I don't mean to underemphasize the
importance of sex. I think, subconsciously, we recognize how big and
important and, sometimes, confusing, our own sexuality feels to us,
and so we attempt to contain and condemn the sexuality of everyone in
the church. These sermons take an almost gleeful reproachful approach
that just confounds me. And I think taking this tone on sexuality is
bad for our marriages, bad for our children, and also, gives a
misconception of what God wants from us.
First of all, being so prudish and
condemning toward sex is bad for marriage. I've known many young
Christian couples who were raised in the church to believe that sex
was sinful and something to be avoided...always with the caveat
murmured at the end, 'until your'e married.' Many of them were even
conditioned to be anti-masturbation and were never taught anything
about their bodies. Do you know how many women go into marriage never
having had an orgasm? Maybe not even knowing enough about their
anatomy to know how many holes go below or what they're for? Then
when they come of marrying age and find a mate, they are expected to
detach those negative perceptions of sex and have a fulfilling sexual
relationship with their spouse? Not easy to do.
It starts with how we present sex to
the youth in the church community. It seems that because we're so
afraid that they're going to over-indulge in sex with themselves or
others, we try to prevent them from being at all sexual. This doesn't
work. We're, naturally, very sexual, contact-driven beings. I think
it's one of God's greatest blessings, that we can share our feelings
for each other in such a personal and all-encompassing way.
This is why we should be emphasizing to
our young folks that knowing, understanding, and owning their
sexuality is important because it shows respect for themselves,
maturity, and honors God. And we can preach that monogamy is a great
idea, not because they're trying to avoid condemnation, but because
they will find such a greater satisfaction in sex with someone with
whom they share a deep love and respect and are totally comfortable
being themselves. The take-away message to our kids should be, “Sex
is great! Just do it right.”
I resent how sex is presented in the
church, because I think it misrepresents how to achieve a greater
relationship with God. It's an action-based, rule-following/breaking
perspective that is missing the boat on how to be a good
God-follower. My understanding is that you don't follow the rules and
SO become a good believer. You believe, and so then want to act in
ways that are pleasing to God. In other words, you can't out-purify
your way to heaven. And I'm not a doctor or anything, but I'm pretty
sure a chastity belt isn't going to make you love Jesus anymore. If
anything, you'll resent Him for the chafing.
Sex is pervasive in who we are and in
everything we come in contact with in the world. Our sexuality is a
very powerful and vulnerable part of who we are. We can use it to
strengthen important relationships or we can abuse it to hurt others
and ourselves. It should be given attention and respect so that we
learn how to use it properly. It cannot be shelved 'until marriage,'
as our sexual selves start developing much younger in life. It should
be embraced and positive sex should be encouraged within the church
instead of making it always a taboo and naughty subject.
One of my missions as a Christian is to
help other people meet and, hopefully get to like, Christ. I want to
share how intensely loving and comforting and wholly welcoming He is.
He is forgiving and meets us where we are, whether we're broken or
whole or anywhere in between.
That's not the message I received at my
university by the Christian waving the banner condemning us college
students for masturbating and fornicating. I'm told this propaganda
is common on campuses nationwide. It might not end in God's favor if
the loudest message a lot of people hear about Jesus is that 'He will
totally love you...IF you can 'keep it in your pants.' There are no
such conditions on Jesus' love. It's just not what He taught and is,
frankly, terrible PR. People like sex and know how important it is.
If that's the first message they hear from Christians, that might
just turn them off from God.
God created us as sexual beings and He
doesn't make mistakes. He gave us this gift, which, like most of our
gifts (our bodies, our money, our time), can be a challenge to always
use righteously. However, if the church can represent sex as a gift
that we need to nourish and utilize properly, instead of a burden we
all have to endure to be pure, we might be better off. It could
improve our marriages, our youth might be more in control of their
sexuality, and we might better represent God to the world.
