In the Defense of Sex in the Church

i wrote this essay a while back in response to another church sermon denouncing the, apparently common, addiction to porn in the congregation. 

it's a valuable conversation, since the porn industry is a sad, desolate place where children and vulnerable adults get exploited and abused. and spending all your energies/time masturbating to porn can leave you a sad, lonely person and completely ruin your relationships. 

i don't discount all that. but....this is the only thing we seem to hear about sex at all in the church. 

please read what i wrote below and disagree/agree, reflect with me. AND HELP ME FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX IT! 

In the Defense of Sex in the Church

(Well, not in the church, mind you. That sounds unsanitary and unwise, and like the Netflix show, 'Orange is the New Black,' where the carpet in the chapel gets more play than the organ...)

As a Christian who thinks sex is an amazing gift from God, and not a test He's giving that we're bound to fail, I am sick of people of the church constantly vilifying it. Every time I hear a sermon about the “evil sins of the flesh,” I want to stand on my pew and shout, “leave sex alone! It's not its fault we're mucking it all up! Sex is marvelous!”

Pornography, homosexuality, adultery, sexual temptation- these are all favorite topics in sermons and lectures from Christian to Christian. And it's not that they're not valuable topics worth discussing, I just find it offensive how MUCH we seem to discuss them. Why does 'addiction to pornography' get so much more press than, say, addiction to food or shopping or reading celebrity gossip? Does how we approach sex weigh that much more heavily on the condition of our soul than how we treat our bodies or budgets or time?

My theory is that we focus so much on 'the sins of the flesh' because it's much more titillating than the others. It's exciting and naughty to speculate what our neighbor is up to sexually or what he's fantasizing about/wishing he were up to. Certainly more than whether or not he cares about the homeless or has bought a car he can't afford, or, most importantly, how well he knows and loves God.

I don't mean to underemphasize the importance of sex. I think, subconsciously, we recognize how big and important and, sometimes, confusing, our own sexuality feels to us, and so we attempt to contain and condemn the sexuality of everyone in the church. These sermons take an almost gleeful reproachful approach that just confounds me. And I think taking this tone on sexuality is bad for our marriages, bad for our children, and also, gives a misconception of what God wants from us.

First of all, being so prudish and condemning toward sex is bad for marriage. I've known many young Christian couples who were raised in the church to believe that sex was sinful and something to be avoided...always with the caveat murmured at the end, 'until your'e married.' Many of them were even conditioned to be anti-masturbation and were never taught anything about their bodies. Do you know how many women go into marriage never having had an orgasm? Maybe not even knowing enough about their anatomy to know how many holes go below or what they're for? Then when they come of marrying age and find a mate, they are expected to detach those negative perceptions of sex and have a fulfilling sexual relationship with their spouse? Not easy to do.

It starts with how we present sex to the youth in the church community. It seems that because we're so afraid that they're going to over-indulge in sex with themselves or others, we try to prevent them from being at all sexual. This doesn't work. We're, naturally, very sexual, contact-driven beings. I think it's one of God's greatest blessings, that we can share our feelings for each other in such a personal and all-encompassing way.

This is why we should be emphasizing to our young folks that knowing, understanding, and owning their sexuality is important because it shows respect for themselves, maturity, and honors God. And we can preach that monogamy is a great idea, not because they're trying to avoid condemnation, but because they will find such a greater satisfaction in sex with someone with whom they share a deep love and respect and are totally comfortable being themselves. The take-away message to our kids should be, “Sex is great! Just do it right.”

I resent how sex is presented in the church, because I think it misrepresents how to achieve a greater relationship with God. It's an action-based, rule-following/breaking perspective that is missing the boat on how to be a good God-follower. My understanding is that you don't follow the rules and SO become a good believer. You believe, and so then want to act in ways that are pleasing to God. In other words, you can't out-purify your way to heaven. And I'm not a doctor or anything, but I'm pretty sure a chastity belt isn't going to make you love Jesus anymore. If anything, you'll resent Him for the chafing.

Sex is pervasive in who we are and in everything we come in contact with in the world. Our sexuality is a very powerful and vulnerable part of who we are. We can use it to strengthen important relationships or we can abuse it to hurt others and ourselves. It should be given attention and respect so that we learn how to use it properly. It cannot be shelved 'until marriage,' as our sexual selves start developing much younger in life. It should be embraced and positive sex should be encouraged within the church instead of making it always a taboo and naughty subject.

One of my missions as a Christian is to help other people meet and, hopefully get to like, Christ. I want to share how intensely loving and comforting and wholly welcoming He is. He is forgiving and meets us where we are, whether we're broken or whole or anywhere in between.

That's not the message I received at my university by the Christian waving the banner condemning us college students for masturbating and fornicating. I'm told this propaganda is common on campuses nationwide. It might not end in God's favor if the loudest message a lot of people hear about Jesus is that 'He will totally love you...IF you can 'keep it in your pants.' There are no such conditions on Jesus' love. It's just not what He taught and is, frankly, terrible PR. People like sex and know how important it is. If that's the first message they hear from Christians, that might just turn them off from God.

God created us as sexual beings and He doesn't make mistakes. He gave us this gift, which, like most of our gifts (our bodies, our money, our time), can be a challenge to always use righteously. However, if the church can represent sex as a gift that we need to nourish and utilize properly, instead of a burden we all have to endure to be pure, we might be better off. It could improve our marriages, our youth might be more in control of their sexuality, and we might better represent God to the world.