Them's The Rules

so, corinthians 7: 1-7, discussed. in my opinion. please comment if you agree/disagree on any of my takes on this.

¹ Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”

ok, so first off...it's ok to be single and celibate and just put all your energies toward God. this is encouraged several times in the bible, maybe most famously here, by Paul. but we're married folks talking on this blog, so we'll just keep right on reading.


² But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.

but, hark! if you are so inclined to find companionship and to get jiggy wit it anyway, you should find one partner, marry him/her, and make with the sex together.


³ The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.

part of your contract as a spouse is that you will do your darndest to sex the other one up good. you should work hard to meet each others needs and to be on the same page sexually. it will be an integral part of your marriage and will bring you and keep you close.


⁴ The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.

in fact, when you marry and you 'become one' this is often assumed to mean 'become one flesh' like when you're joined together in sexin'. you are agreeing to offer your body to your spouse and vice versa. this all comes down to trust. it's a lot to ask to give your body to someone else when it is something to precious and vulnerable to you. and to trust that they will treat your body right and not violate it; be respectful and loving and in pursuit of your pleasure, that's a lot. it's why the marriage relationship is so special and unusual. now, by saying that you both " do not have authority over your own body," does that mean you have to always be willing and available at your spouse's beck and booty call? no. of course not. if you're not up for it, not feeling good, not in the right mind frame, don't just do it because you feel like you have to. on the other (very important) hand, you should want to, more often than not. if you find yourself saying no (or if you're hearing no from your spouse) more often than yes, there is an issue and you need to discuss it lovingly, openly, and honestly. i know a lot of couples who have a "can't say no" policy where, basically, there has to be a big reason not to (again, illness, menses, etc). the theory goes that even when it sounds like sex is more effort than it's worth, you will both be glad you did it when you're done and feel closer, be friendlier to each other and in better harmony.


⁵ Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

now, another reason to do it more often than not, is that we all have desires that need to be filled. if you are feeling neglected by your spouse despite your best efforts at communication and building connection, it is understandable that you turn to masturbation to take care of sexual needs and may even be tempted to find another sexual partner who is more available/willing. now clearly, the latter is out of the question. any amount of physical (and emotional, too) straying from the marriage is not ok. you're breaking your contract and destroying your marriage vows. once that trust is broken it is very hard to come back. it should never get to that. if discussion and effort aren't making things better between you and your spouse, therapy might help. make sure your spouse knows how much you are missing them and hurting from their absence. but do not give up on each other and never seek what you're missing in someone else.

as far as masturbation, you might know more biblical reasons than i do why masturbation is the devil (or at least for SURE that campus preacher we used to have to deal with at school has a big bone to pick about it, maybe he'll write in- did you catch my pun there? did ya??), but as far as i'm concerned, it's a natural, healthy part of your sexuality. most of us had a relationship with ourselves before we did our spouse and will revisit that from time to time. provided your partner is not being left out because of this. if masturbation is interfering with sex with your spouse, it's an issue that needs to be addressed. but if it is augmenting your sex life and your partner is aware and on board with it, by all means. using porn to masturbate, however, whole other issue. we will tackle that in more detail later. but basically, i wouldn't encourage erotic feelings toward anyone but your spouse. and there's no love or God in those sexual relationships in porn, so it's a terrible example. plus, gross.

now when it says that you might deny each other for a short while with both of you in agreement and for the reason that you are devoting yourself to prayer...i think he's talking about a sexual fast. a food fast helps you to focus on God through deprivation, perhaps a sex fast would be the same type thing. i don't know. never tried it. let me know if you have and how it went.


⁶ I say this as a concession, not as a command. ⁷ I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

i think he's again saying that it's way better to be a single, devout man than to give in to your baser needs of sex and companionship with a spouse. but since this blog is for married/marrying people, we're all in the same basket of hoping we have other gifts from God because we don't want to be without our spouse's love and sex.

until next time, happy sexin', everybody!!

Nookie: Feels Good and Serves God

we're going to be breaking down the this passage in 1 Corinthians. stay tuned....


1 Corinthians 7: 1-7

¹ Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”² But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. ³ The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. ⁴ The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. ⁵ Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ⁶ I say this as a concession, not as a command. ⁷ I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

Ladies, Have I Got a Treat for You

jimmy hoffa's body, the jfk assassination, bigfoot, the loch ness monster, the abominable snowman, satisfying diet drinks....there is no phenomenon more elusive and mysterious than the female orgasm.

i'm sorry it's been a while since i've blogged, but a comment from a certain "Married, AND Satisfied for Thirteen Years" reader has me back on track. and congrats! she says that married sex is better and more frequent now after 13 yrs than it was in the first couple years of marriage. well done! bravo!

and thank you for reading/commenting. it really does help if folks propose questions or comments to discuss, so keep 'em coming, everyone.

so, here we go. the question this reader hears often from young married women is: "what do you do if you have never had an orgasm?"

well, the first thing you can do is get super excited because let me tell you that once you've figured this little gizmo out, you are in for a world of wonder. you may never leave your house again. :) but don't be discouraged or feel left behind or weird or anything if you haven't had one. this is WAY more common than you think. (oh, and PS- if you're 'not sure' if you've ever had one, you probably haven't. it's sort of like a whole body earthquake and feels very distinct from the other pleasurable sensations leading up to it. also, there will be a little lull afterwards wherein you will not want stimulation).

the typical female orgasm is a bit trickier to achieve than the typical male orgasm. plus, young women are not encouraged like young men are to masturbate, so many of us don't know what pushes our buttons when we get married, and consequently, can't direct our loving husbands to do it. also, and i hate this and am working to change it, i think there's still an unspoken expectation that women be coy/demure or something and not randy/horny. this is crazy talk. women want/need/love sex as much as men and orgasms are every bit (more?) as mind blowing to them as they are to the dudes. but still, men more often seem comfortable allowing the sex focus to be on them (accepting oral stimulation, manual stimulation, etc) while many women i know are more at ease giving than getting. and while a male orgasm is the expected outcome of a sexin' event, a female orgasm is not for a lot of couples.

this might be because it does take longer and requires more finesse. both parties can get frustrated in the quest for her holy grail(gasm) and, of course, being frustrated is contrary to being relaxed and comfortable enough to have an orgasm, so you're caught in a vicious cycle. the best thing i can tell you is that you have to be patient.

women- allow yourselves and your spouse to explore your clitoris, labia, and vagina to see where/what feels good. attempt different pressures and speeds of stimulation. and don't give up on yourself or be impatient. i have always considered myself a sexual person and yet it took me a long time to be able to orgasm on my own and an even longer time with help from my #1 lover man husband.

men- again, don't get frustrated or give up. your perseverance will pay off when you are able to ultimately give her this amazing gift. better than flowers or chocolates or even a chateau in Paris, if you can figure out how to effectively and reliably bring her to orgasm, you'll both be way more satisfied than you can imagine. there's something about a woman in the throws of ecstasy that drives a man wild. so, if you need more than just your wife's frenzied happiness as incentive, consider your own. :)

so, tricks to make it happen. relaxation is key. i think a lot of women are self-conscious of how they appear 'down there.' she may be more comfortable working on this little puzzle immediately after a shower and shave or with the lights off or whatever, and that's fine. i would say give yourselves plenty of time and ease into it by kissing, fondling, etc. attempt not to be so task-oriented that it feels like a chore. that will get old.

and don't be afraid to speak up! words like "slower, softer, stay there a second, let's change sides/positions, faster, good, let's stop to make a sandwich real quick, etc" are all good dialogue. and partners- be asking for guidance and constantly reassuring her of how beautiful and sexy all parts of her are.

oral sex is a wonderful way to achieve orgasm for both sexes. again, focusing mostly on the clitoris with the tongue, start by trying even, smooth circles or up and down motions. occasionally take a break and kiss/lick the labia. also, using a few fingers in the vaginal opening can add to the pleasure. talk about all of this as you do it. if oral sex is a bit scary for her at first, start with manual stimulation. using fingers. use some lube (or spit- provided no one ate spicy peppers that night- burns! ouch!) again, use repetitive motions over the clitoris changing pressures and speeds to find the right combination. and occasionally explore other parts of that region with her guidance.

for most women i know, once you as a couple have unlocked the key to orgasm, it's a lot easier to repeat it in the future. but there will be times that it just doesn't happen. as long as you communicate about that and you're both on board and not feeling neglected/rejected or anything, you're good. if, for example, you only have 6 minutes before you have to leave for the in-laws' Thanksgiving dinner and you're trying to sneak in a quickie, you might have more luck just having some quick intercourse with the man orgasming and coming back later to work on the lady. (after you've digested your turkey, of course).

so, start with all that. see how it goes. there is also this magical mystical thing called the "multiple orgasm" that you may strive for in the future.

an orgasm is an arc. it builds, blows, and then recedes. like doing the wave at a football game. you can feel it building for a while as it comes around the corner of the stadium and you put down your hot chocolate and prepare to stand, then you STAND UP AND THROW YOUR ARMS IN THE AIR AND HOLLER, and then you gather your coat around you and sit back down and can feel it moving on past you around to the visitors' side.

this is true for men and women. now, for most men, once they've orgasmed and receded, their recovery (preparation for another orgasm) takes a long time. maybe hours. for many women, recovery goes a lot faster and they rebound fairly quickly, making them able to orgasm again perhaps in the next few minutes.

but this is more advanced stuff. let's start with the basics. go slow, talk to each other, and keep on trying. it is absolutely worth it. seriously. no, for real. :)

until next time, happy sexin', everybody!

Here's How to Make with the Love without Making with the Babies

birth control pills- used by the female, these hormones (usually estrogen +progesterone) that the female takes AT THE SAME TIME EACH DAY. these hormones interfere with ovulation. they will give you a 28 day cycle (with 21 days active hormones, 7 days of placebo to allow for monthly bleeding). pros- highly effective (98%), nothing has to be applied or inserted before sex, protects against certain cancers such as uterine and ovarian, controls your cycle and suppresses symptoms of things like endometriosis/PCOS, may decrease acne and allow for lighter periods, there are now options that only require you have a period every 3 months, if you prefer that. cons- risk of blood clots (especially if over 35 y/o and smoker), breast CA risk increases with hormones, must be used daily at the same time and cannot forget a dose or efficacy goes down, certain meds interact w/ the pill and you lose efficacy, it's a real drug that requires a prescription and some people have unpleasant side effects like weight gain, mood changes, lowered libido, etc (there are a variety of pills on the market- can be adjusted to avoid these side effects), some people have spotting (usually goes away after the first few cycles).


condoms- used by the male, these are latex/plastic sheaths that roll down over the penis (not the testicles). they need to fit snugly so that they will not come off during intercourse, but not so tightly that they hurt or make it difficult for the male to feel sensation. might need to experiment with sizes. most condoms have some spermicide (sperm killing jelly) already in them, but some spermicidal lubricant used on the inside and outside also helps in making them more effective. CONDOMS MUST BE WORN THE ENTIRE TIME OF INTERCOURSE not just slipped on before the male thinks he's ready to come (there is a pre-ejaculate with sperm in it that you might not even notice, but it might be carrying your future progeny in it). pros- cheap, also act as barrier to sexually transmitted diseases, if that is a concern, available without a prescription. a good backup plan in case your other BC method is questioned for some reason, does not require prior planning/daily use (like the pill), cons- only 75% effective (if used completely properly, will prevent 3/4 pregnancies), they do expire and need to be replaced over time, men complain about decreased sensation with even ones that fit properly, smell unpleasant, some people have local skin reactions to latex.

birth control patch (Ortho Evra)- used by the female, beige, plastic patch that sticks to the skin of your abdoment/back/arm and releases estrogen/progesterone. patch is changed once a week x 3 weeks and then left off for the week of menses each month. pros- nothing to take daily, nothing to apply before sex, same advantages and effectiveness as the pill, cons- possible (unlikely) skin irritation or difficulty keeping the patch stuck on skin, also all cons same as the hormone birth control pill, requires prescription

vaginal ring (Nuvaring)- used by the female, this is a ring inserted into the back of the vagina and left in for 3 wks, taken out for 1 wk of menses each month. it releases the same hormones as the pill or patch (to stop ovulation). pros- only need to deal with it a few times a month to insert/remove, nothing to apply before sex, same perks and effectiveness as other hormone applications like the pill, easy to use and most women report not even noticing it when it's in, but easy to remove when it's time to take out, cons- all the same as other hormone BC's, also, MUST REMEMBER TO CHANGE IT ON THE CORRECT DAY OF YOUR CYCLE, if it does slip out, must be cleaned and replaced within 3 hrs. requires prescription.

hormone shot (Depo Provera)- used by the female, it's a shot in the arm that releases progesterone into the system and prevents ovulation for 3 months at a time. pros- no daily pill or need to apply anything before sex, in fact you only have to deal with it every 3 months, does not contain estrogen so better for people who cannot take estrogen or are breastfeeding, otherwise, same pros as other hormone BC's. cons- a lot of people complain of spotting while on it (may improve over time) and abnormal periods once they've discontinued using it, otherwise, same cons as other hormonal BC's. requires prescription.

IUD (intrauterine device)- this is a T-shaped device inserted into the uterus by your ob/gyn with a string that hangs slightly into the vagina for easy removal when the time comes. they effect the lining of the uterus and the mobility of sperm. one type also prevents ovulation. it is long lasting, meant to stay in for years, so you must be determined not to attempt to have children for several years, or it may not be worth the cost. it is made of either copper (ParaGard- can stay in for 12 yrs) or flexible, medical grade plastic and releases progesterone (Mirena- can stay in for 5 yrs). pros- extremely low maintenance. very effective- 99%. long lasting. the ParaGard does not contain hormones at all. ok to use while breast feeding. once removed, ability to get pregnant quickly resumes. cons- very expensive, so have to make sure you are not planning to remove it to attempt to have children for many years. potential discomfort when inserted, possible spotting/abnormal periods for a few months afterward, rarely they do fall out, in which case they are not protecting against pregnancy, can also increase chance of infection (risk of pelvic inflammatory disease less than it was when originally came out, but not recommended for people with hx PID, clamidia, gonorrhea), rarely they can erode through the uterine lining, which can cause major problems and potentially require surgery.

Implant (Implanon)- used on female, thin (matchstick size) rod place under the skin on the arm by your ob/gyn in the office. can stay there for 3 yrs. releases progesterone, so prevents ovulation. pros- extremely effective- 99%. long lasting. no estrogen. easy to be fertile again once removed. can use while breast feeding. low maintenance. other pros as with other hormonal BC's. cons- the same as other hormonal BC's, minor procedure to have it inserted/removed.

other options, less effective/common- the following are all hormone-free ways to prevent pregnancy. "natural family planning/fertility awareness methods" used by the female, is a neat way to follow your ovulation cycle to know when it is 'safe' to have sex and when you are likely to get pregnant- requires daily temperature checks and cervical mucous checks, and possibly ovulation predictor kits. work intensive and YOU HAVE TO BE REALLY DILIGENT with it, but 75-85% effective if you do it all correctly. similar efficacy for also the "diaphragm," the "female condom," "the cervical cap" and the "sponge"- these are barrier devices inserted into the vagina before sex and removed afterward, used in conjunction with spermicide. the female condom also protects against STD's. obviously, all of these are only 75-85% effective when used completely correctly, and there is little room for error. they also must be applied before sex, which might mess up your mojo. and can be messy afterward. but the advantage is you are adding no hormones/chemicals to your body. another natural pregnancy prevention is breast feeding. clearly, this would be after you have a child and it can be over 90% effective if you are regularly breast feeding. i have known several people who got pregnant while still nursing their infants, so do some research before you attempt to use this form alone. using the "pull out method" (where the male removes his penis before ejaculating) or just spermicides by themselves is just dumb. it's not enough and there's only a 70% effectiveness on those. don't be dumb.

extreme options that i would only recommend if you are 100000% certain you don't want kids- Vasectomy (male surgical sterilization) or Tubal ligation/hysterectomy (female surgical sterilization). less than 1% failure rate for these, but again, they are pretty much permanent and (usually) there's no going back.

Who Brought the Rubber?

the time to discuss birth control is months before you get married. this gives you time to go see your MD and get prescribed the proper form of BC for you and gets your body time to adjust to it and make sure it's most effectively working and that you understand how to take/apply it before the big launch on your wedding day.

unless you think you might be ready for kids (and you want to be REALLY sure about this- more on this subject later), do not do what a couple we know did...after they got married they went happily on their honeymoon without a care in the world. when they returned, they cornered a married couple in the church to discuss what they should be using for birth control. well, needless to say, their first child was born 9 months later. d'oh! if you want to have a leetle bit more control than that, see to this before you start making with the sex.

who's in charge of your birth control? the fella? the lady? the best way is to have both of you involved in it. even if he's the one using condoms, or she's the one taking the pill. both of you should be involved and confirming that it's being done ALWAYS. the thing about birth control is that most of the methods are extremely effective (numbers to follow) but ONLY IF ALWAYS USED CORRECTLY. it just takes one little slip up and wham bam you're up all night and exhausted the next day, not because of some awesome sexin', oh no, but because you were being puked on by your fussy baby. am i right? i am.

So Sorry For My Neglect, Let's Get On With the Makin' With the Writing About the Sexin'!!

sorry i've been out of pocket lately (that's a southern thing- do they say that elsewhere in the country?). i went on a wee vacation and then have been really busy with a new project since i got back.

i do not mean to be neglectful. hopefully in my absence you all have been having some sex. about which, any questions are welcome. just post them in the comments.

things are starting to calm down a bit, so i will get back to regularly blogging.

next topic, birth control. stayed tuned. until then, ponder this: on average, you will change a newborn's diaper 3,000 times in their first year of life.

i'm just sayin'. that's a lot of poop. :)

He is the Cheese to My Macaroni.

"A loving doe, a graceful deer- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love."Proverbs 5:19 (NIV)

apparently, all i need to do is eat venison and keep my boobs captivating and we'll be good for life?

my husband and my 8th anniversary passed this last week. and it got me thinking about the evolution of our sexual relationship in our marriage. these might only be insights into our relationship (and, consequently, might totally gross out the people who know us personally), but i think there are some universal truths here, too.

let me just reassure any newly weds out there that, for us anyway, sex just gets better the longer we're married. we totally disagree with the stereotype that if you count the # of times you have sex in the first year, it will equal the number of times you have sex distributed over the entire rest of your marriage. (said more eloquently by roger sterling on "mad men"). we are a better couple now than when we first got married- we enjoy each other more, understand each other more. and since life has tossed us some things we've had to handle together, we've proven our worth to each other. so we're more open, more expressive, more honest and trusting with our sex than we've ever been before. and as far as frequency...people always ask nervously how often other married couples are 'doing it' to make sure they're normal...there is no "normal," but, our experience has been that sex begets more sex. if it's been a while and you have some sex, chances are good you remember how great it is and you have more. and then more. and then soon you're the envy of all your friends. (not that that is the goal. or that you should necessarily be sharing all the intimacies with your buddies, but you know...).

but sex hasn't always been easy. our first year of marriage was a real challenge. we seemed to be out of rhythm all the time. one of us would want it more often and feel rejected when the other denied it, and we seemed to go back and forth in both of those roles. we'd feel hurt and then try to regain some pride/control by playing mind games with the other one. it was not much fun. pretty miserable, actually. lots of feelings were hurt and it took a long time and many hours of painful and extremely raw, embarrassing conversations to work it all out.

and we've been pretty good since then, but occasionally we're still out of sync and it takes a while to get back into it. the great thing about having been together for over 13 yrs now (between dating and marriage) is that we have seen enough ups and downs in our relationship to know that the ups will come again and that the downs won't kill us.

i know a lot of people when facing the idea of getting married and having some sex with their spouse for the first time worry about this magical thing called "sexual chemistry." i'd say don't worry. it's all kind of ridiculous. you adore each other and love each other for your conversation, sense of humor, shared hobbies, interests, goals, and definitely experiences and memories. so naturally, you will also enjoy each others sexin'. but don't be surprised that it will take some work and discussion to determine what you both do/don't like and what your expectations are. and don't forget... you really like each other! so you very much want to please the other one- this is one of the greatest things about married sex. you have trust and openness and you'll have tons of time to practice to get it right!

so we've been making with the sex for a long time now and it's better all the time. part of why i find him so attractive is that i know his heart inside and out now and i know how devoted and loving he is to me. plus, he's totally hot. i still look at him across the room and think "that looks delicious. i want me some of that."

:)

Sex is the Glue on the Popsicle Stick Craft of Marriage

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." genesis 2:24

how do you "become one flesh?" well, i can think of a way that makes you joined like puzzle pieces. sex is the closest thing that two people can do to share one body. i am thinking that the verse means more than just sex, of course. like most of the dirty parts of the bible, there are other/deeper meanings also. your intention is to share more than just your body, but also your entire self.

for a close, stable, complete and ideal marriage, you are part of each other in every way. you share in everything. your spouse is so many things to you. he/she is someone with whom you share your sex, but also your house, your bills, your worries, your triumphs, your embarrassments, your plans, your disappointments, and your health and sickness. and so your spouse is your best friend, your confidant, your counselor, your cohabitator, your partner and your lover.

you are an extension of each other. i think of my husband like a third arm on me. but like a totally useful and interesting (and hairy) arm that talks. :)

a lot has been said about how much of the individual can be retained when you're creating a unit of two people (i remember during our wedding prep, there was much debate over whether to snuff out our individual candles when we lit the unity candle or to let them keep burning). and each couple will have to figure out their own level of independence/co dependence in the relationship. and there is some learning curve in figuring that out. "do i have to call her if i'm going to go out to drinks after work or can i just go?" "does he really care if i make plans with friends to see that movie, or do i have to wait to go with him?" etc, etc. be respectful of each other and talk it out. and try not to worry that other people think you're somehow too involved with your spouse (whipped?) but also attempt to not neglect all your other relationships with friends and family, work, etc to spend time with your spouse. there should be a balance.

and in my opinion, there's no reason to lose your identity/your self in marriage, you are really just enhancing yourself. you will accomplish things you never thought you could because you have the strength of your marriage. when things are running smoothly, each person in the marriage will make the marriage better and the marriage itself will make each person better.

and sex really is the glue that keeps you bonded so tightly to each other. you will have friends and family members that can act in some of the other roles i named above. but your spouse should be the one who most knows you, most understands and experiences you. and the only one who knows you through the intimacy of sex. no one can ever get that close because you have fused together in a way that leaves permanent evidence of each of you on the other one.

and that is powerful. something my husband and i have found is that, like food and sleep, once you're having sex, it becomes kind of a basic need. and if we are not having it frequently enough to satisfy, we get crabby, like when we're hungry or tired. so sex can also be a solution. it can completely alter my mood and opinion of the world. and we also find that when we are in sync with each other because we have been sexin' regularly and feel close and connected, we don't fight as much. little things that might cause an argument just kind of get brushed by because we're feeling enamored with each other. and it's great. not that sex solves everything. it really doesn't. relationships that are built around sex and nothing more tend to crumble.

clearly, ability to have great conversation, shared interests and faith, humor and life goals are the foundation.

but sex is the glue.

You Love God, You're Married, Now Do You Really Need a Feather Tickler to Be Complete?

this fantastic friend of mine was helping me to organize my thoughts on how to proceed with this blog and she did a quick google search for "christians and sex" and came up with this hilarious site that is designed for christian couples specifically, but basically is a generic sex toy peddler.

don't get me wrong. i think it's great that even some part of the church body is focusing on sex. thank God. i just think it's funny that they're acting like the "Double Humm Dinger" and the "Head Honcho" are somehow best suited for God fearing folks. :) i am wondering which toys/games they passed on. i'm not a bible expert, but i'm kind of doubting that even if i read the bible stem to stern, i will find any reference in either testaments on the uses of a "Penis Enlargement Stretch Ring." i'm just sayin'.

anyway, we're going to start to focus now on christian marriage and how sex works within its structure. we've gotten through the rather tedious (but necessary, i think) anatomy conversations, so now we can focus on the details of married sex for christian couples.

along the way i might poke a little fun at the traditional christian approach to discussing sex. please bare with me, i mean (almost) no offense. :)

ok, so i couldn't find the clip i wanted without lots of virus-y looking hassle and a bit of a pornado. but if you haven't seen the movie "forgetting sarah marshall" (2008) it is FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC and you should go get it right away. besides all the other great stuff in it (an amazingly funny cast, the gorgeous hawaiian location, and an actual dracula puppet musical that will make you pee your pants laughing like i did- don't you judge me), there is also an excessively (and exaggeratedly) uptight christian couple (jack mcbrayer- "kenneth" on "30 rock" and maria thayer) on their honeymoon trying to survive their first attempts at intimacy. their story is very sweet and has a happy ending (hey-o), but is also hysterically funny.


this is the couple i'm talking about. grab the movie, watch them and enjoy. at one point when trying to reassure himself that he has God's endorsement to make love to his new wife, he actually utters the line, "you've got Christ between your thighs...only with a shorter beard..."

seriously. watch it. and we'll be back to talk sex in your godly marriage really soon. any thoughts, questions, comments, please let me know by adding a comment on one of the posts!

until then, happy sexin', everybody!

Girl Parts, Part II: "No, Seriously, the Outside Stuff is Awesome"

THE OUTSIDE SCOOP:



the vulva includes all the outside female anatomy- the labia, clitoris, urethral and vaginal openings and hymen (before it's perforated).

labia. these are the lips/flaps that keep all the delicate inside stuff covered as we go through our day. the outside layer (labia majora) is covered in pubic hair and is mostly made of protective fat. the inside layer (labia minora) is just a fold of skin covering the vaginal opening. the labia are sensitive and might be stimulating. i suggest you explore them with your partner with guidance, as with everything.

urethral opening- again, top hole. this is the opening for the urethra, which attaches to the bladder, which attaches to the ureters, which attach to the kidneys. i can't stress enough how much you want to keep this area clean to avoid bladder/urinary tract infections. i feel like i'm chanting "get up from sex and go pee!" but seriously, do.

vaginal opening- we already talked about the vagine. this is the opening to it. very sensitive to stimulation, explore gently with hands/mouths, etc.

the clitoris- alrighty then. here we go. so we've already established that over half of all women require clitoral stimulation to climax, so it must be kind of a big deal. but it's such a tiny little pleasure gadget! no bigger than the size of a pencil eraser or the tip of your finger, it has a LOT of nerves bundled close. it's really the equivalent to the male penis as far as ability to cause climax (orgasm). we will talk a lot later about the orgasm, both male and female. for now, i'll say that stimulation by fingers, mouth, or sex toy directly to the clitoris should be attempted gently and with guidance from the owner of said clitoris. it is a rather delicate little thing. the female orgasm is more complicated in some ways than the male's. we will get more into that in the future, i promise.

the breasts- nipples and breast tissue are more sensitive on the female and may be incorporated into your makin' with the love.

i think that covers all the girl parts. there are other erogenous (turn you on) zones across the body, if you're interested, look them up. they vary for each person, so this is something to discover between you and your partner. while one person might find getting her ear licked a total turn on, another might think it's a disgusting wet mess. for example.

as i mentioned when i was discussing boy parts, we need to be sensitive and respectful to our partner's insecurities about their body parts, especially these most personal ones. it's very likely that only your mom when you were a little kid and since then, only your doctor, has really been "down there." you the female partner may not be entirely confident of what's all down there and what it looks like/feels like/smells like, etc. somehow in our society we've endorsed male masturbation and sort of ignored or prevented female self stimulation. consequently (and this isn't universal by any means), men usually understand their own parts better than their female counter parts understand theirs. so it might be a learning process for both of you to understand what gives her pleasure. women worry that their breasts are too small/big or that their labia are too small/big or that their vaginal opening is too small/big or that they look fat naked, etc, etc. but do rest assure that, like penis sizes, the range of "normal" is vast and unless you're experiencing pain or problems, you more than likely fall within normal. talk to your partner about any concerns you have and go slowly. only do what feels right to you.

AND DO NOT FEEL LIKE FAILURES IF THE WOMAN DOES NOT ORGASM at first!!! again, women are a wee bit more complicated and might take some more effort to figure out how to best make her feel comfortable and satisfied. we will definitely talk about this more soon.

again, if you're experiencing pain, itching, lumps, bumps, abnormal bleeding, or any other concerns about your anatomy or function, please go see your physician.

sheesh. i'm exhausted with all this very mature talk about boy and girl junk. giggity.

until next time, happy sexin', everybody!

Girl Parts, Part 1: "What's On the Inside is What Counts"

the first thing you need to know is that there are 3 holes down there. that sounds terribly elementary, but you'd be surprised how perplexing the female nether region can be to people.

unlike the male, who both ejaculates and pees through one hole in the penis, the female has 1 urethral opening for urine (the top hole, very tiny), one vaginal opening for penis to go in and baby to come out (the larger, second hole down), and then, of course, one anus (the farthest down/ away from her belly) for bowel movements and such.

we will address the vagina, the ovaries and fallopian tubes, cervix, and uterus. many of the lady parts are designed for reproductive purposes. again, if you are currently trying NOT to reproduce, we will get into birth control in another discussion, but go ahead and read about all the lady parts so that you're fully informed. in addition, there are also the breasts, the labia and the body part whose mystery is only exceeded by its power, the clitoris. (it should have its own theme music, for all the holy grail references that are made about it).

THE INSIDE SCOOP:

the vagina (cooter, snatch, muff, cooch, p_ssy (hate that word), vagine, box). this is the area between the outside of the body (vaginal opening) and the cervix. it is made of mucous membrane and it has the ability to secrete fluids when stimulated (by either sexual excitement or hormones). it is also very sensitive and is stimulating when touched by penis, fingers, sex toys, etc (more on this later). as mentioned in my last post, the vagina depth ranges from 3-6" and actually changes somewhat to accommodate whatever is passing into it. the first several inches are the most sensitive. the g spot- some women report a magical g-spot ('g' for Gräfenberg, a German gynecologist) that is typically in the first 3 inches of the vagina on the anterior (front) wall. you might want to practice different sexual positions (more on these later) or manual stimulation to best reach this area to see if it works for you.

2 important things to note about the vagina:

1) most women do not orgasm with strictly vaginal stimulation. 50-75% of women require clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm (more on this in a minute). even though it's a little creepy to think about dr. phil and orgasms together, here in an excellent summary on the subject from dr. phil's website. check it out. he knows some stuff.

2) the vagina and the urethra are prone to infection because of their proximity to the anus and the germs that go along with that, so keeping the area clean and dry whenever possible ( i recommend using a feminine wash (NOT A DOUCHE-NEVER A DOUCHE) which is pH balanced to the vaginal tissue, wearing breathable white cotton panties and never thongs or other irritating, moisture-trapping materials, and always getting up to pee after sex to cleanse the area (and of course, something you were taught at age 2- wipe front to back!). if you're having frequent yeast or bacterial infections (symptoms include itching, discomfort, strange discharge or odors), see your MD.





the cervix/uterus: deeper inside the body from the vagina (this is the dead end of the vagina, actually) you'll find the cervix, which is the first 2-3 cm of the uterus. semen passes into the uterus through a hole (the os) in the cervix (unless you're preventing it), just as menstrual blood from the uterus passes out through the hole in the cervix during your monthly period. this tiny hole will widen enough to fit a baby through and then shrink back to itty bitty. it is also what the Ob/Gyn is scraping when they do a pap smear. the uterus (womb) is also an incredible shape-shifting organ. typically only about the size of your fist, it will accommodate a 9 month old baby person. it is the inner most layer of uterine cells that are being sloughed off when you bleed each month during (cursed) menstruation (more on this later).

as i've mentioned in an earlier post, the position of your cervix will vary somewhat during the month based on hormones. there might be times when intercourse is not very comfortable. it is possible but not probable that if the cervix is descended some, the penis might actually butt up against it during intercourse. this should be rare. but it might mean you want to take a few days off of intercourse. there is a TON to say on health issues related to the cervix and uterus, as women's health is a very broad field. we will have to get into those another time. typically, though, women have almost no awareness of these parts as they are tucked up inside.

ovaries/fallopian tubes: also tucked up in there are the fallopian tubes and the ovaries, which are attached to the uterus like the horns on the sides of bullwinkle's head. the ovaries produce female sex hormones and are responsible for developing and releasing the ovum (egg) each month in about the middle of the menstrual cycle (unless you're preventing this with hormonal birth control- more on this later). there are 2 ovaries and they are each about the size of a large olive. although these are pretty small and deep within your pelvis, some women can feel when they ovulate (the egg is released) and have some discomfort with this around the middle of their cycle, usually distinct and brief and on one side or the other. fallopian tubes have little finger-like things on the end near the ovaries and catch this egg as it floats away and sweep it toward the uterus. in the uterus if there is a little spermie to meet it, the two might make sweet music and create a zygote (the start of a baby human) that will implant in the uterus and start to grow, learn to walk, grow a bad mustache, go to college, etc, etc.

we will finish our discussion on lady parts in the next post.

again, if you're experiencing pain, abnormal bleeding, or any other concerns about your anatomy or function, please go see your physician.

Quick! I'm Getting Married Tonight! What Do I DO?

before i go on about girl parts (female anatomy), i think i will drop a quick down and dirty post about the sex basics you need to know before you venture forth in sexin' -doing it, f--king, screwing, bumping uglies, the horizontal mambo, laying pipe, etc (there are thousands of sex euphemisms).

1. lube. this is a rarely talked about and under appreciate asset. keep it close by and use it as often as you need. sometimes, vaginal juices will be sufficient so that sex might occur without any discomfort/chafing for either party, but often a little lube helps keep everyone comfortable and happy. and a little lube goes a long way. if you use too much, you have a slip n' slide effect and sensation will be lost for one or both of you. if you use too little, or none at all, the risk is that there will be discomfort, and any irritation during sex will also increase the risk of infection for the lady, so in order to keep things happy down there, so that you can have as much sexin' as you want, lube it up! (there are lots of brands, my favorite is astroglide. i first heard about it through a gyn who said that's what they use on the labor & delivery floor to get the stubborn babies out. but it is such good stuff, all the nurses were taking it home for their own recreation. :) i wouldn't recommend the heated/cooled ones, just go with the basics at first).

2. expectations- seriously. sex is NOT like the movies. there will be no music. there will, however, be lots of funny, potentially embarrassing noises. it's just how it works. you are not weird or broken. i recommend you learn to laugh about it. also, not like the movies, instead of you both anticipating each others every move and moving in a synchronized ballet, there will be some awkward mishaps. banging your heads together, accidentally biting each others lips, perhaps inadvertently leaning on your partner's hair and pulling it out of her scalp. :) someone might fall off the bed or bang their head on the wall. a million things can go "wrong." again, attempt to laugh through them. it's just the two of you. there are no cameras, no film audience expecting you to be/look perfect. oh, that reminds me. you might wish that you looked as flawless and put together as couples sexin' in movies do, but come on. it's a sweaty, messy affair.

so, all that being said. it might not seem sexy to be making accidental weird noises while stepping on each others faces and looking like a hot mess. but this is why it's so wonderful having one partner who you love and trust and to whom you can reveal yourself in all manners. my husband and i have had all the 'accidents' i named above. we have had to stop in the middle of sex to laugh and to figure out 'a game plan' because we just weren't jiving well. he actually said once, "wow. we are really a well oiled machine today, aren't we?" of the thousands of times we've intercoursed together, there have been times we just couldn't quite get it right and times when it felt like we could read each others minds and everything went beautifully. and you know what? either way feels pretty darn good. because we're together and we're loving on each other. and i can't think of anything more enjoyable than that.

this is why i cannot imagine having sex with a stranger. i would be mortified that he would see my jiggling, hear my weird noises, and potentially think i was bad at sex. but i don't have to worry about any of that with my wonderful husband. he knows me and loves me, no matter how imperfect i might feel.

3. what if one of us doesn't like it?? there's a good probability that one of you won't think sex is the cat's meow for a while. but i would say, give it time. like a new pair of shoes you're not sure you want to keep, you have to wear them for a while to figure out if it's the shoe itself you don't like, or if you just need to wear them in to better fit you. try, try again for 1 year. and keep talking. keep coming up with creative ways to be close, even if it's just a hand on the bum when passing each other in the kitchen, or snuggling close watching movies, or sexin' in ways that don't include penetration (ie: manual or oral stimulation). these are all wonderful, valid ways to express your sexual love for each other. actual intercourse is just one tool in your toolbox. and i'm guessing by the end of that year, if you've kept open discussion about the sexual part of your relationship and you've found creative ways to get closer, you will both be more on board with sex. but don't feel ashamed if you or yours isn't as into it right now as you wish. he/she will come around, just be patient. (pain during intercourse is another thing altogether. if, after the first few times sexin' and with plenty of lube and going slow and patiently, one of you is having real discomfort, do go see an MD. it might be something simple, but it should definitely be addressed before you learn to equate pain with sex all the time).

4. that reminds me, will it hurt? the short answer is "maybe, rarely." the long answer is that for some women, the first time they have sex, it is painful and there is some bleeding. this occurs if her hymen (the mucous membrane that partially covers the external vaginal opening) is still intact and needs to be broken through by the penis that first time. this can also be accomplished with fingers. many women had theirs 'broken' sometime ago in their youth and don't even remember it, so there's no issue of having to get through this barrier the first time they have sex. you might hear horror stories of someone who knew someone who knew someone who cried through sex the first time because it was so painful. try not to heed those too much. the pain should not last long, if there is any. and there's no rules that if you're feeling discomfort, you can't stop and relax for a while and resume play later when you feel better. i think a lot of couples who have pain the first time it's for one of two reasons. 1- they try to jump right into penetration without any foreplay or lube. this is like trying to put a moist hand in a rubber glove. you will get A LOT of resistance and your hand will not like it. 2- you are so psychologically wound up about the sex act, that you're closed up like a clam and anything attempting to get into the inner sanctum will be annoying/uncomfortable.

so go slow. do some touching, playing before you try penetration. talk about how you're doing and feeling as you venture forth, use some lube, and do your best to relax.

even after you've been having sex for a while, there still might occasionally be discomfort. for the woman, your hormones change dramatically during your menstrual cycle and there are times in the month that your cervix/uterus is actually lower down in your vagina and others when it's tucked farther back. also, many women feel the pain of ovulation. so, there might be some days in a month that the area is especially sensitive and a penis isn't very welcomed. if you want to get to know your cycle, you might be able to predict when those days will occur, so that you can avoid the situation. but they are rare. if you are experiencing pain with sex more often than you are not, go see your doctor. for men, pain with sex is more unusual and can mean either infection or overuse. if taking a couple days off of penile stimulation doesn't make it feel better, see your doctor.

5. do we HAVE to do it the wedding night? no. you're adults. do what you want. you might be completely blown out, exhausted after a long wedding day. you have the rest of your lives to do it. you can certainly wait until you're fresh the next day. in many ways, it's too much stress and pressure on the wedding night after all the craziness of a wedding. HOWEVER, you both need to be on board with this decision or you set up the precedent of one wanting/one denying. and you don't want that. talk, talk, talk. that's the lesson.

6. get up and pee! ladies, unfortunately your girl parts are prone to infection. it's just how they were designed. if you want to keep things happy and without yeast/bacterial infections in the vagina or bladder, the best thing you can do within a short while of having sex is get up and urinate and cleanse the area. this will well prevent the "newlywed disease" (urinary tract infection, vaginal infection- yeast/bacterial) and keep you in the game for more sexin'. also, when you're showering, i encourage you to use a feminine wash (NOT A DOUCHE! NOT THE SAME THING!) just externally on your labia, vaginal opening area. it is pH balanced to exactly match this area and will not irritate the sensitive mucous membrane like a lot of body washes and soaps will. men...i did not know this was a helpful tip to men, too, not having my very own penis, but my husband, (having his very own penis) says it also helps to pee shortly after sex for dudes. flushing out the excess semen by urinating helps keep things comfortable down there, too.

that's just a quick summary. we'll get into lots of these issues in more depth in later posts.

happy sexin', everybody!

again, if you have any concerns about your anatomy or function or any discomfort or concerns with sex that you're experiencing, please see your physician.

Boy Parts, Part II

the penis always gets all the attention...



the testicles/scrotum- testes, balls, cajones, stones, beans, pair, nuts, sack, 'the twins', 'the boys.' the job of the testicles is to produce sperm and sex hormones. there are two testicles and they hang inside the scrotum. it is common for one testicle to hang longer than the other (usually the left) so that they do not constantly bump into each other, causing pain and other problems. along with the penis, the testicles exist outside the body and because of their exposure to the ambient temperature, they have a sophisticated ability to maintain their temperature to protect the sperm they are producing/housing- this means loosening and elongating when too warm and retracting and 'shrinking' toward the pelvis when too cold. they are also very sensitive, meaning that any contact with them can be painful, but if done properly, it can also be stimulating. i encourage you to explore the testicles gently and with guidance from the owner of said testicles.

nipples- not used for much as far as biological function at this point in evolution, but these can also be stimulating on a man and should be explored gently and with guidance.


prostate gland- this is located inside the body just above where where the shaft of the penis starts and lies between the bladder and the rectum. its job is to produce much of the content of semen. the prostate gland can also be very stimulating. it is reached by way of the rectum. this is another area you and your partner can explore again, gently, carefully and with much communication. also, as we are dealing now with the anus, cleanliness is a must to avoid contamination and infection (as in, never does anything go from the rectum to the vagina or mouth).


...alright, then! so this is an overview of the reproductive parts of boys. there are, literally a million other things to say on the subject, but we'll get into more detail in later posts. any specific questions/concerns, lemme know!

disclaimer: this is not meant to be medical advice. if you are concerned about anything pertaining to your anatomy or function, please see your physician.

Boy Parts, Part 1

the penis- peen, wang, wenis, schlong, dick, cock, johnson, john thomas, peter, pork sword, and my favorite, "boner."

although, as funny as i think the word is, "boner" is a misnomer. a penis does not, in fact, have a bone in it. when it gets erect it becomes hard like bone, but it is really only blood filling the spongy body of the shaft and glans (head). an erection occurs when a man is stimulated (more on this later) and blood engorges the shaft of the penis. once this has happened, further stimulation can lead to orgasm (coming, cumming, finishing, blowing your load) and ejaculation of semen (jizz, spunk, cum, load, as in ‘blowing your’), which is a combination of fluids meant to facilitate the passage of sperm into the lady parts (more on these later). the amount of ejaculate will vary, as will the appearance. the penis is also a multi-purpose device as it conveniently also delivers urine through the same hole (urethral opening) at the tip of the glans.

alright now, for real, does size matter?

this can be a very sensitive subject. unfortunately, in our society, men are given the impression that the size of their penis somehow reflects something about their manhood. and if there are any worries of inadequacy, these might follow you into your marriage bed. as always, talking about it is a good idea. getting insecurities out there and exploring them together with trust and love and respect is a good way to go. but here also are some facts to keep in mind...trying really hard not to make any "that's what she said" jokes, i will say that the whole size issue has been blown out of proportion. the biological job of the penis (besides urinating) is to deliver sperm (via semen) to the woman's eggs so that they might combine and make baby humans (if you and your spouse are currently trying to avoid making baby humans, hold tight- we will discuss birth control in a later post). therefore, the penis's shape is designed to get close to the cervix/uterus at the back of the woman's vagina. but how deep do these mysterious depths go and how can a penis possiby be expected to reach? no worries. the average vagina is somewhere between 3-6" deep, and as far as her pleasure goes (more on this later), it seems that the first 4" are the most sensitive part anyway. so, the fact that the average human penis is approximately 5-6"long when erect, means that, the long and the short of it (har har har) is that all these penis-ego shenanigans are pointless. as best you can, leave the locker room stuff out of the bedroom, k?

and what if it doesn't work like it's supposed to, or...what if it works too much?

although i will not get much into this at this time, i will say that both issues of the inability to get/sustain an erection and premature ejaculation are, again, REALLY sensitive subjects and should be handled lovingly and respectfully by both partners. please don't think that if either/both happens it is the end of the world and an indication that either of you are failures as lovers. you are not. sex, like anything, takes practice and patience.

i will say that the penis has a lot of nerves per square inch and in order for penetration, and eventually orgasm to occur, an erection must be achieved through stimulation. depending on the man and the mood and the day, "stimulation" might mean something as little as a thought or image or the pressure of pants on the penis or it might require manual or oral stimulation to achieve an erection. it may take some vigilant effort (with stimulation) to sustain the erection and occasionally, getting and sustaining an erection might be an issue. we will discuss this more later. on the flip side, as many a young lad knows too well from embarrassing moments in chemistry class in high school, erections can "pop up" any old time they feel like it. and sometimes, if stimulation and excitement build, ejaculation can happen before both partners are entirely ready for the orgasm (and then, typically, consequently, any sex'n to be finished). again, there are techniques to avoid unplanned ejaculation and we will get more into that later. for now, please proceed with respect and love and open discussion on these most delicate of topics.

Human Sexual Anatomy 101

we'll start with the basics.

this might be very elementary for some people, but i think it's important to have an understanding of the human sexual organs before we talk about sex. you can't play the saxaphone if you don't know what one looks like, right?

for other people, this might be the first time you've been introduced to the nether parts. maybe you never took an anatomy class or you giggled through this section in sex-ed. and it might not only be the opposite gender's junk you are uncertain about. most of us don't actually have much of a clue what we're carrying, either. especially the ladies. if you are one that has always wondered what was happening 'down there' but were too afraid what google might turn up if you searched for pics, here you go. there is no shame. we're all in this together.

and for the most part, i will use only anatomically correct terminology in my posts, but before i do that, i am listing some of the most common euphemisms for each part so that you don’t embarrass yourself by missing the punch line of a dirty joke someday. you'll thank me. you might also find yourself giggling a little as you read through this information, and that is ok. sex can be funny. and we're all still fifth graders at heart. no worries.

tomorrow i will present to you BOY PARTS.

until then...here's some trivia...

a. what is the average length of an adult erect penis?
b. why does one testicle always hang lower than the other?
c. what is the technical name for the penis bone?


tune in tomorrow...

until then, happy sex'in!

You're Going to Talk About WHAT?

married sex is awesome. i'll start by saying that. i can literally think of nothing in the world that i would rather do than sex up my beautiful husband. it's divine. better than chocolate. usually.

but i fear that not everyone out there has the same experience with married sex. especially those just starting out. fresh out of the gate of a lifetime of virginity, how do young married couples begin?

my concern is that christian couples struggle with sex. and why wouldn't they? sex is very intimate and vulnerable topic. all couples struggle with it to some degree. but here i am picking on my christian brethren and sistren specifically.

here's why.

i think that in a misguided effort to protect young people from themselves, the church teaches young christians to fear sex. there's a lot of emphasis on the weaknesses of flesh. and somehow it morphs into the message that sex and sin are synonymous.

and so it's those young, soon-to-be married or recently married christian couples i worry about most. how do you go from fighting tooth and nail to avoid sex to suddenly embracing it? to deny your feelings, your instincts, your burn for the person you love most in the world for all the months/years leading up to the wedding and now...game on?

this topic is near and dear to my heart. i know quite a few christian couples that say that sex was the major conflict for them their first year of marriage. some it tore apart, others survived it, barely. almost all of them said that were ill prepared.

and who do you turn to to get a clue about how sex works and how to make it work when it's not working? i find that family, mentors, and church leaders are reticent to discuss this taboo subject. so you turn to books? the internet? friends?

that's where i'd like this blog to come in. i am not an expert. i have no specific learnin' in human sexuality and i am not a bible scholar. i am REALLY not a bible scholar.

but i am an extremely happily married, sexually satisfied Christian woman. i have been married for 8 yrs and my husband and i are each others only sexual partners. we have had our own sexual ups and downs over the course of our relationship and are stronger for it. i am also a physician assistant and so have some insight into the anatomical and medical aspects. and i will make every effort to represent God's word in these posts. as we discuss all the angles of married sex, we'll want to find out what scripture has to say. if ever you agree/don't agree with my interpretation of the bible, please chime in.

i would like this blog to be a resource and a dialogue. through comments, we can discuss any topics that i raise or you can (pretty please) suggest topics you'd like to see breached. and you can do it all anonymously. when you're leaving your comment and it prompts you for a user name, say "anonymous." or "smurfette" or "richard simmons." whatever you want.

alright then, let's begin!

happy sex'in, everyone!