before i go on about girl parts (female anatomy), i think i will drop a quick down and dirty post about the sex basics you need to know before you venture forth in sexin' -doing it, f--king, screwing, bumping uglies, the horizontal mambo, laying pipe, etc (there are thousands of sex euphemisms).
1. lube. this is a rarely talked about and under appreciate asset. keep it close by and use it as often as you need. sometimes, vaginal juices will be sufficient so that sex might occur without any discomfort/chafing for either party, but often a little lube helps keep everyone comfortable and happy. and a little lube goes a long way. if you use too much, you have a slip n' slide effect and sensation will be lost for one or both of you. if you use too little, or none at all, the risk is that there will be discomfort, and any irritation during sex will also increase the risk of infection for the lady, so in order to keep things happy down there, so that you can have as much sexin' as you want, lube it up! (there are lots of brands, my favorite is astroglide. i first heard about it through a gyn who said that's what they use on the labor & delivery floor to get the stubborn babies out. but it is such good stuff, all the nurses were taking it home for their own recreation. :) i wouldn't recommend the heated/cooled ones, just go with the basics at first).
2. expectations- seriously. sex is NOT like the movies. there will be no music. there will, however, be lots of funny, potentially embarrassing noises. it's just how it works. you are not weird or broken. i recommend you learn to laugh about it. also, not like the movies, instead of you both anticipating each others every move and moving in a synchronized ballet, there will be some awkward mishaps. banging your heads together, accidentally biting each others lips, perhaps inadvertently leaning on your partner's hair and pulling it out of her scalp. :) someone might fall off the bed or bang their head on the wall. a million things can go "wrong." again, attempt to laugh through them. it's just the two of you. there are no cameras, no film audience expecting you to be/look perfect. oh, that reminds me. you might wish that you looked as flawless and put together as couples sexin' in movies do, but come on. it's a sweaty, messy affair.
so, all that being said. it might not seem sexy to be making accidental weird noises while stepping on each others faces and looking like a hot mess. but this is why it's so wonderful having one partner who you love and trust and to whom you can reveal yourself in all manners. my husband and i have had all the 'accidents' i named above. we have had to stop in the middle of sex to laugh and to figure out 'a game plan' because we just weren't jiving well. he actually said once, "wow. we are really a well oiled machine today, aren't we?" of the thousands of times we've intercoursed together, there have been times we just couldn't quite get it right and times when it felt like we could read each others minds and everything went beautifully. and you know what? either way feels pretty darn good. because we're together and we're loving on each other. and i can't think of anything more enjoyable than that.
this is why i cannot imagine having sex with a stranger. i would be mortified that he would see my jiggling, hear my weird noises, and potentially think i was bad at sex. but i don't have to worry about any of that with my wonderful husband. he knows me and loves me, no matter how imperfect i might feel.
3. what if one of us doesn't like it?? there's a good probability that one of you won't think sex is the cat's meow for a while. but i would say, give it time. like a new pair of shoes you're not sure you want to keep, you have to wear them for a while to figure out if it's the shoe itself you don't like, or if you just need to wear them in to better fit you. try, try again for 1 year. and keep talking. keep coming up with creative ways to be close, even if it's just a hand on the bum when passing each other in the kitchen, or snuggling close watching movies, or sexin' in ways that don't include penetration (ie: manual or oral stimulation). these are all wonderful, valid ways to express your sexual love for each other. actual intercourse is just one tool in your toolbox. and i'm guessing by the end of that year, if you've kept open discussion about the sexual part of your relationship and you've found creative ways to get closer, you will both be more on board with sex. but don't feel ashamed if you or yours isn't as into it right now as you wish. he/she will come around, just be patient. (pain during intercourse is another thing altogether. if, after the first few times sexin' and with plenty of lube and going slow and patiently, one of you is having real discomfort, do go see an MD. it might be something simple, but it should definitely be addressed before you learn to equate pain with sex all the time).
4. that reminds me, will it hurt? the short answer is "maybe, rarely." the long answer is that for some women, the first time they have sex, it is painful and there is some bleeding. this occurs if her hymen (the mucous membrane that partially covers the external vaginal opening) is still intact and needs to be broken through by the penis that first time. this can also be accomplished with fingers. many women had theirs 'broken' sometime ago in their youth and don't even remember it, so there's no issue of having to get through this barrier the first time they have sex. you might hear horror stories of someone who knew someone who knew someone who cried through sex the first time because it was so painful. try not to heed those too much. the pain should not last long, if there is any. and there's no rules that if you're feeling discomfort, you can't stop and relax for a while and resume play later when you feel better. i think a lot of couples who have pain the first time it's for one of two reasons. 1- they try to jump right into penetration without any foreplay or lube. this is like trying to put a moist hand in a rubber glove. you will get A LOT of resistance and your hand will not like it. 2- you are so psychologically wound up about the sex act, that you're closed up like a clam and anything attempting to get into the inner sanctum will be annoying/uncomfortable.
so go slow. do some touching, playing before you try penetration. talk about how you're doing and feeling as you venture forth, use some lube, and do your best to relax.
even after you've been having sex for a while, there still might occasionally be discomfort. for the woman, your hormones change dramatically during your menstrual cycle and there are times in the month that your cervix/uterus is actually lower down in your vagina and others when it's tucked farther back. also, many women feel the pain of ovulation. so, there might be some days in a month that the area is especially sensitive and a penis isn't very welcomed. if you want to get to know your cycle, you might be able to predict when those days will occur, so that you can avoid the situation. but they are rare. if you are experiencing pain with sex more often than you are not, go see your doctor. for men, pain with sex is more unusual and can mean either infection or overuse. if taking a couple days off of penile stimulation doesn't make it feel better, see your doctor.
5. do we HAVE to do it the wedding night? no. you're adults. do what you want. you might be completely blown out, exhausted after a long wedding day. you have the rest of your lives to do it. you can certainly wait until you're fresh the next day. in many ways, it's too much stress and pressure on the wedding night after all the craziness of a wedding. HOWEVER, you both need to be on board with this decision or you set up the precedent of one wanting/one denying. and you don't want that. talk, talk, talk. that's the lesson.
6. get up and pee! ladies, unfortunately your girl parts are prone to infection. it's just how they were designed. if you want to keep things happy and without yeast/bacterial infections in the vagina or bladder, the best thing you can do within a short while of having sex is get up and urinate and cleanse the area. this will well prevent the "newlywed disease" (urinary tract infection, vaginal infection- yeast/bacterial) and keep you in the game for more sexin'. also, when you're showering, i encourage you to use a feminine wash (NOT A DOUCHE! NOT THE SAME THING!) just externally on your labia, vaginal opening area. it is pH balanced to exactly match this area and will not irritate the sensitive mucous membrane like a lot of body washes and soaps will. men...i did not know this was a helpful tip to men, too, not having my very own penis, but my husband, (having his very own penis) says it also helps to pee shortly after sex for dudes. flushing out the excess semen by urinating helps keep things comfortable down there, too.
that's just a quick summary. we'll get into lots of these issues in more depth in later posts.
happy sexin', everybody!
again, if you have any concerns about your anatomy or function or any discomfort or concerns with sex that you're experiencing, please see your physician.
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